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JOLLY MONOLOGUES 




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JOLLY 
MONOLOGUES 



BY 

Mary Moncure Parker 

M 

AUTHOR OF 

"Merry Monologues*' and the Plays, **The Old Oaken 
Bucket," ' 'Shadows, ' ' Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers ] 



^^^%l 



v.^^^' 



COPYRIGHT, 1921 

BY 

MARY MONCURE PARKER 



APR 30 1921 
g)CI,A614248 



THE CURTAIN RISES 




HAT all the world is but a stage 
We have heard from lips of sage. 
May the jolly actors here 
Bring much happiness and cheer, 

Matron, geisha girl and maid, 

Mammy of the dusky shade, 

Lunch counter waitress, Peddler Pete, 

Mary dear and baby sweet. 

Movie fans, society bore. 

These shadow folk and many more, 

Greet you from these printed pages. 

Look not for wisdom of the sages. 

Their mission is only to beguile 

And bring to lips and heart a smile. 



5 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

At the Bridge Party 9 

A Free Lunch 15 

You Have the Same Old Smile 19 

"Signs of Spring 21 

Mr. Daniel and the Lions 25 

At the Telephone 31 

You's Mah LiP Coal Black Baby 37 

The Ghost of Annie Flanigan 39 

The Club Luncheon 45 

The New Baby 53 

The Kisses of Life 57 

What George Thinks of the Movies 61 

Isn't Art Absorbing 65 

Her Valentine 70 

Maggie McCarty Talks About Receptions. 71 

Hiram and the Bolshevists 77 

Jimmy's Prayer 83 

What Mary Thinks of Boys 85 

From the Street Car Conductor's Point of 

View 89 

The Eater 93 

The Peach Blossom Princess 95 

One Minute to Eat 99 

A Chop Suey Love Tale 105 

Converting John the "Blaptist" 107 

To Him That Overcometh 113 

When We Went In 117 

Who Says Woman's Place Is at Home? .... 121 
Red Charley— One Credit 127 

7 



AT THE BRIDGE PARTY 

B- ^ ^ 

Characters: 

Mrs. Pusher, who always manages to 
crowd in. 

Mrs. Rusher^ with the darling dog that 
almost talks. 

Miss Vogue, of the type known as bridge 
fiend. 

Mrs. Top-Notch^ who never misses any- 
thing. 

Scene — A fashionable home on the Ave- 
nue during a bridge scramble. 

Mrs. Top-Notch^ proceeds to effervesce. 

Good gracious, what a crowd! That's 
one thing that will bring the women out — 
a bridge party. There's Mrs. Simpson. 
Heavens, I hope I won't have to play 
with her. She bores me to death and she 
can't play a little bit ! Mildred. Look at 
the Jones woman. I do wish that she 
would get a new gown. That has been 
made over four times to my certain knowl- 
edge. Here comes Mrs. Pusher. Of 
course she would try to crowd in with us. 
It is fate! Oh, how-do-you-do, Mrs. 
Pusher! I'm so glad to see you. Oh, Mil- 



Jolly Monologues 



dred, there's Miss Vogue. If they put her 
at our table, I shall simply pass away. 
Are you going to play at our table, 
Mrs. Pusher? How lovely! This is 
Mrs. Rusher. You know Mildred, don't 
you? Oh, Miss Vogue, how are you? You 
play with us? How simply fine! You 
know these ladies, I believe. Hush, they 
are going to begin. Let us hear the rules. 
Something new and awkward, I suppose. 
They say we are to stay at the same table 
all afternoon and pivot. {To Mildred.) 
Isn't that a mess? (To the Others.) 
Very charming, yes, when one has such 
delightful companions. It is your deal, 
Miss Vogue. Cut? Yes. I didn't think 
I could come today. I've been changing 
maids and one cannot positively trust a 
new maid now-a-days. My last one sim- 
ply stole right and left — silk stockings, 
camisoles, table linen — ^it certainly was a 
fright. 

How did that little 'Jap of yours turn 
out, Mrs. Pusher? You had to turn Mm 
out? Quite a joke! Isn't she witty, girls? 
Yes, you are; you know you always say 
such clever things. Hearts? Oh, dear, I 
might have — I wonder what my partner 
has — ^if one could only know, the game 

10 



At the Bridge Party 



would be so easy, wouldn't it? I'll say- 
Clubs. Oh! Clubs is less than Hearts? 
Well, I wish I dared say two Clubs. I 
might make it Spades — er — no — I will 
pass. Wait! My partner might make it 
No Trumps when it comes around to her 
again, and I could help her — no — I think 
I will pass. Oh, my partner says "No 
Trumps." That is splendid. I'm glad 
you have to play it, partner. What 
did you say. Miss Vogue? I gave her an 
idea of my hand? Why, Miss Vogue, I 
certainly did not. I am always so careful 
about that. My hand goes down, does it 
not? Do pardon that scratch on my finger, 
my blessed baby did that. He is such a 
beautiful darling though and has the most 
wonderful eyes. The only trouble is one 
has to be so careful about his diet and 
about drafts. His little bed is right near 
mine. What, Miss Vogue? You did not 
know I had a baby? Merciful Heavens! 
I have not. I was speaking of Beauty, 
my Persian cat. Oh, Partner — why — 
shall I hand you the Queen? I guess you 
forgot the King has been played. What 
did you say, Mrs. Pusher? I must not as- 
sist. Well, I saw she had forgotten and 
it seemed a shame. We made it, Mildred 

11 



Jolly Monologues 



— a small slam. Isn't that simply great? 
Is it my deal? Oh, not yet! Well, really 
I'm glad; it's an awful bore to be dealer. 
Have you seen my new ear. Girls? It is 
really the classiest thing! All gray. And 
I have a new gray suit just the color of 
the upholstery. It's perfectly ducky. 
Around to me? I might make it Spades — 
or — ^Di — or — well, I'll pass. I am so 
glad you said Diamonds, partner. Oh, 
did they get it on three Spades? I won't 
over-bid that. Now, partner, if you lead 
right, maybe we can set them. You re- 
member your bid — that's it! Oh, they 
trumped right away! Mercy! I guess I 
was thinking of the party at the Lake 
Shore Club House last night. They have 
fitted the place up all new in purple and 
black and gray. Very up to date and 
very ultra. What did I do? Trumped 
your Ace? I am so sorry. Do pardon 
me! May I take that back? Oh, board is 
a play? I cannot see the use of being so 
strict at a party amongst friends this way; 
but then, very well! You are such a — 
fiend — I mean you are such a wonderful 
bridge player. Miss Vogue, that one has 
to watch the points. You must come to 
lunch with me at the club, Mildred, it is 

12 



At the Bridge Party 



so attractive. What is Trumps, anyivay? 
It slipped my mind. I think I must have 
the spring fever. Oh, well, I looked over 
the prizes and they really are a mess. This 
donated stuff is never worth the house 
room ; but I really am extremely fond of 
bridge and when we play for charity I 
feel that I am doing so much good for the 
poor unfortunates. One ought to give up 
a little time to philanthropy, I am sure, 
and then bridge is so good for the mind 
and does help one to concentrate, don't 
you think? How is that darling Boston 
terrier of yours, Mrs. Pusher? He is the 
cutest thing. I never saw or heard any- 
thing like it. He almost talks. 

Oh, is it my deal? What, we haven't 
finished this hand? Well, do tell me what 
is Trumps? 



13 



A FREE LUNCH 

Characters: 
Mrs. Sponge^ who just samples every- 

thing. 
Her Sister^ a close second. 
Her Aunt^ toothless hut still in the ring. 
Several Long- Suffering Clerks^ who 

are wise to the family. 
Scene — The grocery department of a 

large city store. 

Mrs. Sponge^ talks between bites. 

My, how nice this soup is! {Tastes 
sample.) I mean Booyon. What is it? 
Beef? Your samples are quite small; 
you can't really tell how good it is. My 
sister and aunt here would like some, 
too. Yes, thank you! They don't keep 
house but they are thinking of it. I won- 
der if I could have a little more soup — 
er — oh, thank you! What, buy some? 
Well, not today; but I'll probably come 
in tomorrow or maybe the last of the week 
and get a whole case. Come on, sister, 
and Aunt Jane! What did that girl say? 
''Bunk"? Did you say that to me, sales- 
girl? I'll report you. Oh, you were just 

15 



Jolly Monologues 



calling the floor boy? His name is 
Bunker? Well, that's diff'erent; but don't 
you get fresh with me. Come on, folks, 
here are some samples of fish. Don't they 
look appetizing. What kind? I'll take 
some of that salmon. With sauce? Of 
course. {To Sister.) Let's take every- 
thing that's coming. If we don't I just 
know these clerks eat it up themselves. 
Don't you give crackers, too? Oh, so 
much obliged — er — my sister and Aunt 
would like some, too. No, they don't live 
with me. They are future customers, 
though. Isn't that good. Aunt? I'll eat 
your crackers, because you haven't your 
teeth in today. This is so good. I won- 
der if I could have a little more, young 
lady? Buy some? Well, not today. Per- 
haps next week, although no one in the 
family eats salmon but me, and I wouldn't 
be selfish enough to buy much of it for 
myself alone. We ordered salmon at the 
restaurant last Thursday — no — it was 
Saturday — no, I guess it was Thursday, 
after all, and it made Horace sick. Kind 
of poisoned him and he broke all out. 

What's that, sales girl? I don't seem 
afraid of it? No, I have a very strong 
stomach; nothing makes me ill. Would 

16 



A Free Lunch 



my folks here like to buy some? Oh, they 
don't live in the city. What's that? They 
must have to eat wherever they live? Yes, 
certainly, but they don't keep house. But 
thej^ very probably will some time soon. 
Mercy, we must hurry! 

Oh, here are some samples of cold meat. 
How perfectly lovely ! Not very big sam- 
ples, are they? Why, I like that pressed 
chicken. What will you have. Aunt? 
That's queer. I heard that last girl call 
out, "Sponges on the first floor" — the idea 
of anyone asking for sponges in this de- 
partment. Some people are so absurd! 
They never know where to find anything. 

No, we won't give an order today. My, 
let's rush on! It's late! What's that. 
Aunt? Here are some rabbits in cans? 
Why, sure enough ! Isn't that great. They 
can anything nowadays. Oh, I see ! That's 
molasses. Molasses, Aunt! Molasses. 
M-o-l-a-s-s-e-s. Molasses. Aunt doesn't 
hear very well. No, the rabbits are not 
canned. Aunt, in molasses. It's just plain 
molasses. I believe she gets worse every 
day. You don't give samples of that mo- 
lasses, do you? Well, let's go on. Oh, we 
must not pass by this fancy gelatine, with 
whipped cream, too. Yes, we'll take the 

17 



Jolly Monologues 



cream* Could you spare just a bit more 
for Aunt. Aunt likes it so much and her 
gums are tender. It slips down so easily. 

Why, here's cake, too! We almost 
passed that by. What did you say? Won't 
we try the sponge cake? No, we prefer 
that layer fig. My, how nice! But really 
the pieces are hardly big enough. You 
get just a taste. I'll eat yours. Aunt. I 
don't believe cake is very good for your 
stomach. No, I won't order any today, 
thank you. My sister? No, she doesn't 
keep house. Well, I don't either, but I 
may next year. Come on, folks. 

What did you say, girl? There are some 
free samples of washing powder and soap 
around the corner? 

Young lady, do you mean to insinuate 
that we are trying to get things free? No, 
you just thought we might like to know 
how good they are. Well, we know good 
things when we see them! You meant no 
offense? Oh, all right! Good-bye! 

Say, sister, we won't go to lunch just 
now. I feel filled up, don't you? And it 
didn't cost us a cent! 



18 



YOU HAVE THE SAME OLD 
SMILE 

"5- ^ ^ 

The old farm's changed sence the good old 

days, 
I can't keep up with new f angled ways. 

Big noisy machines they're usin' now 
Instead of old Dobbin an' the plow. 

Lazy hens won't set no more ; 

Them inkerbaters has spoiled 'em sure. 

Gone are the jolly huskin' bees; 
Maria, you wuz an awful tease. 

I had to chase yuh for a kiss. 
But them red ears I didn't miss. 

No more sleigh rides tucked in hay. 
Nor jolly barn dances — "right — left — 
sashay." 

We're back nimibers, the horses and us. 
Might as well set back — ^not make no fuss. 

Some things ain't changed — the flowers 

and Spring, 
The bright leaves of Autumn — the birds 

on the wing. 

19 



Jolly Monologues 



And Maria, old gal, sence we set on the 

stile 
In the days that we courted youVe got the 

same smile. 

Through sorrows and trials and heartaches 

and tears 
And all the big changes that's come with 

the years. 

Though your dear face is wrinkled — ^your 

eyes gettin' dim. 
And your waist is much bigger (you uster 

be slim) 

YouVe trotted in harness, by me, mile by 

mile. 
And gol durn! Maria, youVe got the same 

smile. 



20 



SIGNS OF SPRING 

^ B- ^ 

Characters : 
An Italian Organ Grinder^ with a vivid 

imagination. 
JocKO^ THE MoNK^ for wTiom life is one 

weary fooo-trot. 
The Lady^ a substantial sympathizer. 
Various Street Crowds^ that bestow 

easy going pennies. 
Scene — The city streets. 

The Organ Grinder^ with a few bars of 
dialect. 

Jocko! Jocko IDanza — ^me playa de moo- 
sic — de jazza tune. Jocko! Danza for de 
leetle keeds. He no hurt you, baba. Come, 
Jocko ! De one-a step — so — la-la-la. Now 
de fox-a-trot. One neekle. Ver' mucha 
'blige. See, baba. Jocko lif ' he leetle cap. 
No more tune? Jussa one? Jussa one? 
You reech ladee, I needa de mon! Come, 
it ees de spring time. De bird sing. De 
sun shine. De moosic of de hand organ 
play de happa tune. Yet I so sad in my 
heart, ladee, do my mout' she smile for de 
spring. Ef you knew, kinda ladee, poor 
Jocko he hava de sad histree. My broth- 

21 



Jolly Monologues 



aire was killed in de war. ( Weeps. ) Why 
I not go? I had a de weak heart and de 
lame shouldaire. My brothaire fight and 
fight and kill de othaire bad sol j aire. He 
so brave, my brothaire. He crawl far out 
under de barb-bed wire and crawl in de 
dark night. De shell burst — de sky blaze — 
de guns roar. ( Speaks very dramatically. ) 
My brothaire go on and on. De enemy 
is coming over de bridge. He blow up de 
bridge. He crawl back wiz de one arm 
gone. Dey pin one medaille on heem but 
he die. He say, ''My brothaire in Amer- 
ique tell a heem I die for my countree. 
Send heem Jocko my leetle mascot. My 
brothaire he not strong and can no fight. 
Jocko bring heem de gooda luck." So you 
see, kind peeple, why I sad and Jocko, 
too, for my brothaire kill in de armee ; but 
we must laugh and danza — danza, my 
Jocko, to de tune of Italee — my fair land 
of Italee. Oh, mucha obHg — so much 
monee. Peek it up, my Jocko, it come 
fast. A quart' — a ha'f dol'— a dol' — two 
dor — ^my brothaire he say right. Jocko! 
You my mascot. Gooda by — gooda by — 
much 'blige. On my shouldaire. Jocko. 
Gooda by, leetle keed. Gooda by, baba. 
Take off your cap. Jocko. Bow nice. 

22 



Signs of Spring 



{Speaks to Jocko.) 
Ah, ha, my Jocko! I fool de peeple. 
Dat storee day like. I will steek to it. 
When I mak' of de storee of my brothaire 
dat one fine idea. Day what you call tum- 
ble down for dat storee. I will find an- 
ozzer crowd, Jocko, my mascot! Oh, la-la! 



23 



MR. DANIEL AND THE LIONS 

^ B" ^ 
Characters: 

Mammy^ the ebony Trouhadouress with 
a fund of stones. 

Andrew Jackson^ a story loving picka- 
ninny. 

The Other Pickaninnies^ who am jes' 
alistenin. 

Scene — Mammy's cabin, after working 
hourSj which may be any time. 

Mammy^ grandly relates. 

Foah de Lawd's sake, you pickaninnies, 
can't I set down thout you come axin me 
fer stories? Go 'long an' let me take a nap 
in peace. I'se all wo' out wid wuk. An- 
drew Jackson, you am the wust beggah 
of all. Shet up or I'll bust you haid open. 
Wants to heah 'bout Jack the Giant Kil- 
lah in de lion's den? What kin' of mux 
up stuff am dat? Dah ain't no use givin' 
you a eddication ef you can't membah 
nuthin'. Ain't it de trufe? Go 'long! Go 
'long! Well, jes' one, den. Dat lion's den 
story? Now there's gwine to be some com- 
bustion ef you axes for mo'. Membah dat 
and take notice, you heah me? Onct on 

26 



Jolly Monologues 



a time dah was a man name Mister Dan- 
iel. Mister Daniel was a very fine man an' 
awful 'ligious. You know when Miss Eve 
and Mister Adam was druv from de Gar- 
den of Eden nobody did much prayin'. 
Dey was skeered, too, and dey didn't have 
no time for prayin' nohow kase dey had 
to go wukin' by the sweat of dey brows. 
Mister Adam he was kind of lame kase he 
los' one rib to make Miss Eve outen of, 
and when she got mux up wid dat snake 
an' made Adam eat de apple, he said to 
hisself, "Twant wuf losin' dat rib, deed 
it want. I wisht I had it back an' dah 
want no Miss Eve atall. Apples gives me 
de undigestion anyways. An' now I got 
a Adam's apple stuck in my froat what 
I'se got to carry roun' the rest of my 
days." 

Ev'y time he sees a apple tree he 'gins 
to tremble all ovah. Well, dis was some 
time after when Mister Daniel was bawn; 
I think probable Mister Adam was his 
grandpa. Now dis heah Mister Daniel 
was a awful prayin' pusson. He was so 
good he couldn't seem to git nuf prayers 
said nohow. So he said to hisself I'se 
gwine to pray evey day and evey night 
and he pray an' moan an' pray like he's 

26 



Mr. Daniel and the Lions 

gittin' 'ligion all de time. Now dey was 
some folks wat lived in his town next do' 
to him what want 'Hgious 'tall. Dey was 
shootin' craps and gamblin' and raisin' 
de debbil ginelly. "Dat man, Mister Dan- 
iel, certin do 'noys us prayin'," dey say. 
"We's gwine 'pote him to the police for 
'sturbin' the peace." An' dat's what dem 
wicked folks done so the policemen done 
tuk Mister Daniel foah de king. What 
you say, Andrew Jackson? What am a 
king? Why dat am a president only he 
wears velvet robes all trimmed wid ver- 
min an' don't do nuthin' but eat and set 
all day long. What you say — like our 
white hen? Go 'long! De king ain't like 
no hen. You certin is de ignonmtes 
chile I ever seen. De king say to Mister 
Daniel, "I dun give ordahs not for none 
of your folks to pray liken you all does." 
Mister Daniel he say, "Cain't hep dat, Mr. 
King, a prayin' man I is an' a prayin' 
man I'se gwine to continue till de bref 
leaves my body." 

''Which am gwine to be in 'bout a minit," 
says de king, mad as a March hare. 
"Youse been 'sturbin' de peace an' 'noyin' 
my folks what's shootin' craps. Take dat 
man away and trow him to de lions." So 

27 



Jolly Monologues 



dey drug Mister Daniel to war dem li- 
onses was stayin\ Stop your shiverin', 
Andy Jackson, you makes me nervious. 
Then the lions roared an' growled but dey 
never offered to tech Mister Daniel. I 
'spect he was a mighty thin, bony pusson 
and not very temptin' though course I 
does believe in de efficumvationess of 
prayah. Still I'se gwine give dem lions 
de benefit of havin' a little common sense, 
too, kase lionses is lionses even in de face 
of prayah. Well, Mister Daniel he kep' 
on prayin'. He sure was a persistentest 
pusson an' in de mawnin' de king see dat 
man was alive an' he certin was skeered 
to deaf. So he say to his sojers, de king 
did, "Let that man out ; nuthin' caint stop 
him no way from prayin'; dem lionses 
ain't got no appetite for dat kin' of a 
man." Stop your shakin', Andy Jackson, 
you bettah take notice on dis heah Mister 
Daniel youself and say you prayahs, least 
wise evey night, and maybe de lionses 
won't eat you, ef you meet up wid any. 
You goes crawlin' into your bed many a 
time widdout no mannahs towa'd Heaven, 
what's purtected a black imp like you all 
day. Now go on, dat's all de stories I'se 
gwine tell you ! Yes, dat's de las' of Mis- 

28 



Mr. Daniel and the Lions 

ter Daniel. He lived to be a old man I 
reckon aprayin' to his las' bref. I 'spect 
all de animals what's wild an' eats folks 
up done heard 'bout dat man. Seem like 
prayin' made him tuff an' undigestible. 
Anyhow I never heerd tell on nothin' ever 
hurtin' him and wid his las' bref he was 
aprayin'. Now go on, hear me? Clar out! 
Let me smoke mah pipe and do some cat 
nappin'. {Laughs.) I bet dat Andy 
Jackson will pray hissef to sleep tonight. 



9Q 



AT THE TELEPHONE 

^ ^ ^ 

Characters: 
Mrs. Doolittle^ an adept at the 'phone. 
EsTELLE, the friend at the other end of 

the wire who needs a gas mask. 
Central^ the girl invisible. 
Various Cut-ins^ who keep matters 

lively. 
Scene — ^Mrs. Doolittle^s boudoir. 

Mrs. Doolittle^ does ''some'' talking. 

Central, give me Lake View 24000. 
Yes, Lake View 24000. Hello! Is this 
you, Estelle? No, it's Bright Eyes, kiddo! 
Why, who are you? Central! Central! 
What number did you give me? I got hold 
of a very impudent man. Lincoln? I 
said Lake View. Can't you hear? I sup- 
pose you were out too late last night. You 
girls ought to be discharged if you can't 
give better service. Lake View 24000. 

Hello! Is this you, Estelle? Central, 
don't you give me the busy signal. I know 
perfectly well that she isn't busy! I sup- 
pose you got mad and gave me the busy 
signal. I know my party is home. I am 
sure of it. Try again? Well, you had bet- 

31 



Jolly Monologues 



ter. The number? IVe told it to you four 
hundred times. Lake View 24000. It is 
very important that I get my party. 

Hello! Is this you, Estelle? How are 
you, dearie? Say, did you see the morn- 
ing paper? The Rokeby- Jones have sep- 
arated. Yes, it's splotched all over the 
front page. She says cruelty and lack of 
support. Horrid! Isn't it? He claims she 
had a terrible temper. I guess it is six to 
one and half a dozen to the other. I felt 
wretchedly sorry about it; but thought 
maybe you hadn't seen the paper. Yes, 
Jessie knows and Kit and Mabel. Yes, 
I have just called them all up. Too bad! 
Those things are so shocking and ought 
to be kept quiet, if possible. Do you know 
what I heard? Now don't breathe this. 
I never gossip; but this is in the papers. 
Well, not this; but it will be probably. 
I heard — you know he was awfully atten- 
tive to that little widow out at the Gold 
Club last year and danced with her oodles 
of times and wouldn't even play golf, al- 
though he is such a fiend about the game, 
just because she wouldn't leave the porch 
and get in the sun. I know why, all right. 
If she did, it would crack the enamel on 
her face and melt the make-up, probably. 

32 



At the Telephone 



Men are such idiots ! They never seem to 
see such artificiality. Now for mercy's 
sake don't say I said that. I don't want 
my name mixed up with it. I just detest 
gossip. This 'phone — Central! Central! 
You've shut me off. Glad something 
could shut me off? Say, who are you? 
Well, you're no gentleman! This is an 
unlimited 'phone and you can't butt in! 
Unlimited gab? I never heard such rude- 
ness in my life. My husband would settle 
you. You bet he's talked to death and 
can't move? You get off this wire. Cen- 
tral! Central! These wires are crossed and 
you've cut me off from my party. Hello, 
Estelle! Oh, I've just had a fight with a 
regular brute. The wires were crossed. 
I've been changing maids again and so 
John has been getting his own breakfasts 
lately. I don't rise until ten. Have you 
been to the spring opening? You know I 
was furious the other day but I saw some 
darhng little chiffon and satin gowns and 
when I went to try some on they said they 
had none my size and took me to the room 
where they have those awful "stouts" 
standing around like gowns filled with 
baled hay. Well, I laid that girl out cold. 
I told her she needn't insult me if I did 

33 



Jolly Monologues 



happen to be plump. I wish you could 
have seen the skinny creature she was her- 
self. I am very careful of my diet, too. 
All I had this morning was three rolls; 
two cups of coffee, some waflfles, some 
ham and eggs, and a little fruit. Just a 
light breakfast. 

Oh, say, dearie, I almost forgot to tell 
you! The Sherwoods have lost their 
money. Some sort of a slump in stocks. 
They were watered or something. I no- 
tice they do not have their machine any 
more. Horrid, isn't it? Too bad for them! 
Yes, the girls seemed to feel terribly about 
that, too, when I told them confidentially 
at the card party the other day. 

Well, living is absolutely out of sight 
these days, any how. I always have a sick 
headache the morning the bills come in. 
And then John hasn't the heart to kick 
about expenses. Come over and see 
Mother, dearie, she is coming next week. 
I told John and he said he was so sorry 
that he had to go away on a little business 
trip. I knew he was going but not so 
soon. Never can tell when a man will 
change his mind. Mother will bring lots 
of news from my home town. She knows 
everything about everybody. 

34 



At the Telephone 



What's that, Estelle? Estelle! These 
wires are crossed again! ''Time! Third 
round!" Who are you? What did you 
say? You are a throat specialist? I'm not 
tongue-tied? No, I'm not. I cannot see 
how you keep getting on the wire. Cen- 
tral! Central! What is the matter with the 
wire? Lake View 24000. Estelle? No? 
It's Mrs. Brown's maid? What! Mrs. 
Brown has fainted? She was ill last 
night? Oh, I am so sorry, poor Estelle! 
I'll be right over. 



35 



YOU'S MAH LIL' COAL BLACK 
BABY 

B- ^ ^ 

You's mah lil' coal black baby 
An' I'll hug you to mah breas' ; 
Dis am de creepy, sleepy hour, 
When de big worl' goes to res' ; 
Don' you heah de insects hummin' 
Jes' a sort of croonin' song, 
An' dem ole frogs croakin' in de brook. 
As de dream man comes along? 

REFRAIN 

Oh mah lil' coal black baby. 
Go to sleep and don' you cry; 
Big sun's comin' up again. 
For day time bye and bye. 
Dis is jes' de res' time 
Fo' de baby's birds an' you. 
Close yo' eyes mah pickaninny. 
Mammy loves you, deed she do. 

Oh, you wants a lil' story? 
What— 'bout that Mr. Owl 
Who used to see in daylight. 
Tell he fought dat Peacock Fowl? 
Onct on a time dat proud Peacock 
At de Owl 'gan to rail; 

37 



Jolly Monologues 



Dey fit and fit 'til de Owl's eyes 
Was in de Peacock's tail. 

REFRAIN 

Oh mah lil' coal black baby, 
Be glad you's got yo' eyes, 
So close 'em up as tight as wax 
'Til de sun begins to rise. 
Shut em close so dat ole Peacock 
Can't get a peck at you, 
Go to sleep mah pickaninny. 
Mammy loves you, deed she do. 

De Whipporwill is callin' 

'Neath de yaller moon; 

He say, ''Hurry up, mah baby. 

Sleep fer daylight's comin' soon." 

Dat kinky head is droopin', 

De ole dream man's got you, chile; 

He done pinned a happy dream on you 

Kase you got a lovin' smile. 

REFRAIN 

Oh, mah lil' coal black baby, 
Sleep, sleep 'til mawnin' light. 
Until de world wakes up. again 
An' the sun am shinin' bright. 
Dah ain't no chile in all de earf 
Dat's quite so sweet as you ; 
You is bad sometimes, but honey. 
Mammy loves you, deed she do. 

38 



THE GHOST OF ANNIE 
FLANIGAN 

^ B* ^ 

Characters: 
Mrs. Mickey O'Flynn^ who does not he- 

lieve in ''sceancys'' and who is jealous 

of a ghost. 
Mickey O'Flynn, longing for ^^peace at 

any price/' 
The Ghost of Annie Flanigan^ whose 

virtues brightened after her earthly 

flight. 
Scene — The kitchen of the O'Flynn cot- 
tage. 

Mrs. Mickey O'Flynn^ with a hit of ad- 
vice to her better half. 

Git out of here, Mickey O'Flynn. 
Shure I'm sick and tired to death of 
lookin' at the sight of ye. No — ye don't 
nayther — come back ! Sit right down here. 
Shure I clane forgot ye had a quarter and 
ye'U be spendin' it down to Hinnessey's 
on the pool, an' me a poor, hard-workin' 
craythur, a scrubbin' and grubbin' all the 
day and half the night and ye out of a 
job most of the toime, and there's our 

39 



Jolly Monologues 



sivin childer — none of 'em old enough ex- 
ciptin it be Patsy, to airn a rid cint. 

Hivin help me that I ever saw the ugly- 
mug of ye and no wonder your first wife 
died. Jist lookin' at ye was enough to 
croak the puir soul. Night after night 
ye're spendin' in Hinnessey's. No wan- 
der his wife is buyin' white shoes and 
wearin' thim latest crazy sthyles, loike a 
girl of sixteen. Bad cess to her! What? 
Ye was playin' pool? Playin' fool, ye 
mane. Thot's a nice sinsible thing for a 
grown mon — pokin' thim balls around 
loike a kid of foive. Ye're too wake to 
carry a hod but shure ye always seem to 
have stringth enough to walk all day 
around them fool pool tables, and about 
half the night. Oh, ye want there last 
night? Wint to see — Ancy? What air ye 
sayin'? Who is she? Jist let me lay 
hands on her. Oh, a seeancy — a place 
where spirits come back. Ghosts? God 
hilp us and do ye want to bring bad luck 
to the wife and childer of yere bosom? 

Ye better kape away from sich avil 
doins. The divil will git ye soon enough, 
Mickey O'Flynn. Oh, 'twas Mike Hooli- 
han took ye to see the ghost come back! 
Ain't it a fine way to be spendin' the ave- 

40 



The Ghost of Annie Flanigan 

nin? They has tables and the ghosts rap 
and talk to ye? Now the saints presarve 
us! Sich wild doins! I never heard tell 
of the loike. What are ye sayin', Mickey 
O'Flynn? Ye heard the spirit of your first 
wife talkin'. Is that so? Ain't ye satis- 
fied with me that ye's be disturbin' the 
dead in their graves? She told ye that 
I was hard on ye? Oh, she did, did she? 
Well, I'll go to the seeancy and tell her 
to mind her own business and not come 
buttin' into me aif airs. Oh, ye tould her 
ye remembered how kind and soft spoken 
she used to be and that she let you go out 
ivery night and always met ye with a 
smile? Ye did, did ye? Talked agin me to 
that red-haired, freckled- faced ghost of an 
Annie Flanigan that used to be ! She that 
nivir had a beau but ye and me wid plinty 
jist for sayin' the word! (Cries.) Oh, 
Wirra! Wirra! That I should live to see 
the day when me husband should be abus- 
in' me to the loikes of a red-haired ghost 
and me raisin' her two childer that nivir 
had no raisin' until I whaled the life out 
of the imps. I'll not stand your seeancys 
and the insults of the ghost of that Annie 
Flanigan. Thank Hivin I have me 
sthrong right arm! Take that Mickey 

41 



Jolly Monologues 



OTlynn {strikes him) and that, and 
there's the roUin' pin for good measure. 
The Saints hilp me! I've kilt him! Oh, 
Mickey, Mickey me darhn' git up! Open 
your eyes me Mickey! Here's wather! 
Ye won't drink? Oh, here's a drop of 
spirits I took from your pocket last 
av'nin'. There! Spake to me! Oh, me 
darhn' I'll niver git angry wid ye agin! 
Don't go to no more of them seeancys. 
That Annie Flanigan has designs on ye. 
She ought to be ashamed and comin' 
back and worritin' the loikes of the big, 
noble, kind heart of me Mickey. I'll do 
anythink ye want only just spake to me. 

Ye feel better? Thank Hivin! Ye want 
to go out for a bit of frish air? Shure 
darlin' go along. Kin ye walk? That's it. 
Take the air for awhile {wipes her eyes 
on her apron) . Ain't he the grand mon? 
Shure if I'd kilt him that Annie Flanigan 
was only waitin' to nab him in the next 
world. 

Oh, good marnin' Mrs. Murphy! 
What's the matter wid me? Nothin', I 
have a bit of a cold. Ye want to borry a 
cup of sugar? Shure come right in. How's 
Mickey? Foine. Will yis he's out of a 
job just now, but he has the wake heart 

42 



The Ghost of Annie Flanigan 

ye know and can't be workin' too long 
at a time. Pwhat's that? Ye saw him 
goin' into Hinnessey's? Pwhat? This 
minute. The ould goat! He was jist 
makin' belave he was near kilt. Wait till 
I git him home! Bad cess to him! 



43 



THE CLUB LUNCHEON 

B- B- ^ 

Chaeacters: 
Mrs. Gabby Gusher, so difficult to 

please. 
The Waiter, a mere disgusted male. 
Other Club Members^ who would talk 

if they had a chance. 
Scene — The dining room of a large 

fashionable hotel during a special club 

luncheon hour. 

Mrs. Gabby Gusher, gushes. 

My, what a mob! Everybody I ever 
knew seems to be here at this luncheon. I 
want a ticket, please. What? No seats! 
That's an outrage. I belong to this club 
and I'll resign tomorrow. The idea that 
one cannot come to one's own club 
luncheon! What is it you are sajang? I 
should have notified the Chairman two 
days ago at least? Well I just couldn't. 
I was too busy. The notices w^ere 
printed that way? Oh, I never read those 
old notices! Here I gave up another en- 
gagement, dressed myself and came down 
town just to patronize my own club and 
I can't get a ticket. It's a disgrace! Oh, 

45 



Jolly Monologues 



how do you do, Marie? I'm furious! I 
cannot get a seat here today. Well I'm 
going to the matinee. Who cares about 
the old club lunch anyway? Probably 
there won't be enough to eat to put in 
your eye, and a dollar and a half a plate! 

What did you say, Marie? One of your 
guests has disappointed you? I can have 
her place. Well, I don't know. The price 
is rather steep for the amount of food 
they give one. Will I be your guest? Oh, 
my dear! That is fine! But really I ought 
not to, you know, because I owe you for 
one or two lunches. You insist? Oh, very 
well. That's darling of you. I have on 
my new gown and hat, anyhow, and it 
really would be too bad to go away with- 
out any one seeing — I mean — without 
seeing any one. There is such a crowd 
here today, too, to see one^ — I mean — for 
one to see. 

How do you do? How do you do? Aw- 
fully pleased to meet you all! Eight at 
a table? Nice number, but a little crowded, 
though. One's gown gets so mussed. 
We're not very near the speaker's table, 
are we? Well, maybe that is an advan- 
tage. Some of them are terribly tiresome 
at times. My! What a buzzing! Women 

46 



The Club Luncheon 



certainly can talk, can't they? That mu- 
sic makes such a horrible noise I can 
hardly hear what you say. They're play- 
ing the overture of William Tell. Those 
musicians must want to drown us out, but 
I guess we can hold our end up on the 
clamor all right. Why don't they serve? 
They never do begin on time, do they? 
If I had the running of things I would 
see that everything began promptly. I 
do believe in system. I wonder who's the 
Chairman of this Luncheon Committee. 
She certainly doesn't know her business. 
Heavens! I'm starved absolutely. You 
like my new gown? Thank you! It's one 
of Gilbertine's. Yes, quite exclusive 
style. Gilbertine is noted for that. My 
hat? Oh, that is a Camille model. I 
rather like it mj^self — yes, thank you. 
Grapefruit — mine is not sweet enough. 
Waiter, some sugar, please. What, you 
only serve five at this table? The rest 
are the other waiter's? Such a system! I 
can't see why you can't serve all of the 
eight at once. Marie, who is this woman 
next to me? She certainly is an awfully 
careless eater. One ought to have on a 
raincoat, her grapefruit flies around so. 
Well, I don't suppose I'll get any sugar, 

47 



Jolly Monologues 



so I'll just eat this sour. Thank good- 
ness they didn't serve that woman a whole 
grapefruit or my make-up would be all 
off, Marie. Bouillon — mine's almost cold. 
I like it iced sometimes but not luke- 
warm. Waiter, spoon, please. There 
isn't one at my plate. I suppose you will 
tell me the other waiter serves the spoon. 
Marie, I heard that waiter say that he 
would rather serve a thousand men than 
ten women. Isn't he a crank? Men give 
them such large tips, you know, so that we 
never get any service. That waiter said 
he'd thank God when this meal was over. 
Isn't that rough language. He ought to 
be reported. 

Chicken a la King — I don't care much 
for that and I haven't any potatoes on 
my plate. Take your plate, Marie? No, 
my dear, no ! Potatoes are fattening any- 
how. I weigh every day I have such a 
horror of getting stout. Look at Clara 
Johnson! She's growing to be a sight. 
Why doesn't she diet, or roll, or walk? 
She looms positively like a bale of hay. 
Isn't it a scream — ^look, she's sitting next 
to Mrs. Barnett, that poor, skinny, little 
wisp. They look like before and after 
taking. 

48 



The Club Luncheon 



Here's the dessert. Little short cakes! 
Puzzle, find the strawberries! This isn't 
a church social. Take yours, Marie? Oh, 
my dear, no. But they did give you quite 
a supply, didn't they? I can't see why 
they serve so unevenly. Well, if you in- 
sist, Marie. Thank you ! We did not get 
any coffee. That table next to us has 
been served. Waiter, I must have my 
coffee or I shall have a headache. Isn't 
he the crankiest thing? Cream, too? Yes! 
I don't care for cafe noir. There goes 
the gavel. Now we are in for the speeches 
and toasts. She might let us get our 
lunches first. I'm not through with mine. 
I hope she'll cut every one down on the 
speeches. Horrors! There's Mrs. Cramp- 
ton Jones. She's as long-winded as an 
old-fashioned preacher and about as inter- 
esting. I hope she doesn't talk first. 

The President is introducing some one. 
Well, maybe what that woman has to say 
is good if you could hear it. She sounds 
as though she were going to cry. It must 
be something pathetic. Well, she knew 
enough to sit down quickly anyway with 
that little chirp. I wish the Toast Mis- 
tress wouldn't talk so much. We've heard 
all that before. I suppose she wants to 

49 



Jolly Monologues 



be elected again some time, spreading all 
the taffy around about this crowd. Why 
doesn't she give some one else a chance? 
Madam Borem is going to sing. I don't 
care for her voice. It used to be good but 
she ought to know when to quit. Oh! Oh! 
Off key! Hasn't that harpist skinny arms! 
Grecian dresses are not very becoming to 
her certainly. 

Oh, mercy! Marie. Mrs. Hopson is go- 
ing to talk. That woman's voice gets on 
my nerves. It's a mile in the air. I 
should think she would take elocution les- 
sons. There's old Colonel Cook at the 
Speaker's table as big as life. He's going 
to spout, of course. He'll tell us the 
whole history of the Civil War and we're 
lucky if he doesn't go back to the Revolu- 
tion. Why, yes, Marie, of course I'm 
patriotic, but I studied history in school. 
There's June Latimer over there and her 
husband only dead six months. Looks 
queer, doesn't it? Well, they say they 
were not very happy, but who can tell? 
People gossip so, don't they? Of course 
I always thought — oh, I guess I won't 
say it — I mean — ^well, don't you breathe 
it — that they quarreled at home terribly. 
I've heard it but I never repeat anything 

50 



The Club Luncheon 



like that. Say, dearie, I must go. Sorry 
I can't wait until it's all over. I've had 
such a wonderful time! Just splendid! 
Will I have one of the table roses? Oh, 
thank you so much! Do you mind if I 
take a couple more? It makes a larger 
corsage and I am going to stay down town 
for dinner. Thanks, so much! Glad to 
have seen you all and I certainly have had 
a scnmiptious time. I'll tell that old Mrs. 
Blossom that sells the tickets that I got 
a place and did not have to write for it 
ahead of time. She tries to be so business- 
like. It's screaming. At a club of friends, 
too. Well, good-bye, Marie love. Come 
to see me soon, won't you? I certainly 
have enjoyed myself. 



51 



THE NEW BABY 

B* ^ ^ 
Characters: 

The New Baby^ views his relations. 

Mother^ the blessed one. 

Father^ the fond parent. 

The Big Brother^ who gives the infant 
a tip. 

The Little Brother and Sister, won- 
dering and adoring. 

The Grandmothers, fondly raving over 
the new offspring. 

The Poetical Aunt^ who bursts into 
free verse. 

Various other Giants^ familiarly known 
as relatives. 

Scene — The nursery. 

The New Baby, forcibly expresses his 
thoughts. 

There seems to be a lot of people in this 
place I have come to — Giants with big 
eyes — and they are always wanting to 
hold me. I wish they would let me alone 
because my stomach hurts when they jog- 
gle me around. There are some little 
folks, too ; a boy that has a dirty face and 
doesn't seem to want to kiss me (that is 

53 



Jolly Monologues 



one thing to be thankful for because he 
is most never clean) ; and there is a cute 
little girl with ribbons in her hair. She calls 
me "Bruvver," but when they let her hold 
me I get scared to death because she seems 
so wobbly. The person I like the best is 
the one they call "Mother." She looks 
like she could eat me up only in a loving 
way, and she holds me so tight yet not 
too tight. There is a man they call "Dad'' 
who comes in every night and chucks me 
under the chin and says, "Some boy, be- 
lieve me!" He isn't around the house very 
much. I heard him say, "That buster 
looks more like me than the rest of the 
kids." I hope I'll get over that because 
he isn't very much to look at — fat and 
sort of red- faced and bald — ^but I would 
rather look like him than the one they call 
"Grandpa." He is a sight with white 
whiskers and wrinkles and he will kiss me, 
though his whiskers get in my eyes and 
mouth and always make me cough. May- 
be I will grow to look like my mother. 
She has such kind eyes. One day two 
women came and a lot of other people. 
The women were not very young and they 
told me they were my grandmothers and 
everybody kept saying which side I looked 

54 



The New Baby 



like. It seems there are two sets of fami- 
lies in this place and it's a kind of prize 
fight as to which one claims me. All the 
people that came that day said they were 
cousins and aunts and they stayed all day 
long. That was a terrible day for me. I 
was hauled around from one to the other. 
It was like a regular wrestling match. 
They talked some kind of a foreign lan- 
guage. "Bess oose ittie heart," "Tweet- 
sie, bittie sing/' "Dess ike oo Dramma, oo 
old blossom — es oo is!" 

My big brother, the one that wears the 
belted coat and bright ties and plays the 
mandolin, they said he was big brother; 
well, that one came up to my crib and said, 
"Poor kid, I wish for your sake they'd can 
the mush talk." My how I wished I could 
talk so that I could tell him he was a regu- 
lar fellow. His language was funny but 
I knew he meant all right. I don't seem 
able to talk; just to think; but I know a 
lot more than those Giants think I do. 
I hope when I do talk though I won't 
say such silly things as some people do. 
One woman calls herself my aunt. She 
seemed kind of dreamy and I thought she 
was going to cry over me. "Dear won- 
derful bit of humanity, a tiny rose leaf, 

55 



Jolly Monologues 



a star dropped from Heaven upon a cold 
sordid earth! Whither are you going? 
What will be your future? I will write 
a poem to you, strange, weird being from 
another world!" My big brother heard 
her and when he came up to me again he 
said, "Kiddo, when they pull that stuff on 
you, let out a yell. If you don't she'll 
bore you to death. Every time you don't 
like what they do, yell to beat the band 
and they'll let you alone. Take it from 
me. Kid, that's a tip." So I followed his 
advice and began to scream. He laughed 
and said, "Gosh, I believe he understood 
me! Go to it, Kiddo!" That certainly was 
good advice, because they took me away 
from that awful mob — relatives they call 
them — and gave me a nice warm bottle 
and put me to bed. Now I know what to 
do when that bunch comes again. 



56 



THE KISSES OF LIFE 

^ "& ^ 
It is the kiss of love that makes the 
world go round from the cradle to the 
grave. What so wonderful as the baby's 
kiss? 

Pink is the tender baby mouth, 

Like rose leaves dipped in dew. 

Parted the lips — ^you surely know 

To let the kisses through. 

Gentle the kiss on cheek new born, 

Oh blessed sacred touch! 

These words bring heaven down to earth ; 

"The mother loveth much." 

Then the dear toddling one ! Her kisses 
will live in the memory long after she has 
shpped out into the great world to take 
her own place with those who live and 
strive I 

Who can deny the four-year-old 

That sticky little kiss? 

Dear, chubby hands that love-pats give ! 

The thought is honeyed bliss. 

All day she wastes on pop-eyed doll 

Affection unreturned. 

Dear heart, I'll give an hundred fold. 

The kisses you have yearned I 

57 



Jolly Monologues 



Spring-time and love, when the earth 
buds forth anew and Cupid whispers the 
old, old story to the eager ears of the man 
and the maid! 

Winged kisses, gauzy bright, 

Trifles light as air. 

Tossed by Love-god to the breeze, 

Flutter everywhere. 

Catch them e'er they flit away. 

Sweet — elusive quite! 

If no kiss light on your lips, 

Mercy! What a plight! 

Gold cannot buy the kisses that are 
showered upon dear old dad when he 
comes home each night. 
Oh, the center rush with voices glad 
That is made each night on dear old dad. 
When we clamber about his knee! 
What matters the daily grinding care 
If love can such splendid kisses spare 
From the happy family? 
King Midas, take your paltry gold; 
Real kisses are neither bought nor sold. 

Never forget the morning kiss when 
you say goodbye. It means sunshine 
through all the daylight hours. 

The married kiss — alas ! I wot 
It is the oftenest forgot, 

58 



The Kisses of Life 



When romance dying lies. 

The morning kiss safeguards the day, 

Lightens each step along the way, 

Then bid sad love arise. 

Keep Cupid ever in his place 

With the tenderness of courtship's grace. 

What say you, there are the shadowy 
kisses that the bachelor blows through the 
curling smoke to his girl o'dreams? And 
the kiss of the gallant knight on the dim- 
pled hand of my lady of old, or the siren's 
kiss that lured the hero into the tangled 
web of fate — nay these are but mocking 
shadows. They have no real meaning in 
the kisses of love — the kiss of the family! 
What more beautiful than the sweet ca- 
resses of the two who have journeyed the 
long path together, loving and beloved? 

The kisses of love's aged pair 
Like fragrant incense fill the air; 
They've traveled side by side, 
Down life's long pathway, hand in hand 
In blessed unison, God-planned; 
Thus could no ill betide. 
Sharing the happiness and pain. 
Together in sunshine and in rain. 
This bridegroom and his bride ! 
59 



Jolly Monologues 



The last kiss to the beloved one is given 
in tears. Yet Hope beckons onward and 
upward toward immortality. 

The last cold kiss on marble brow I 

Father we need Thy grace! 

In anguish 'neath the rod we bow; 

Oh, lead us to the place. 

Where we may see the wondrous plan 

Devised since the world began. 

The wherefore of the race! 

Beyond there is a kiss of the resurrec- 
tion morning when the awakened soul 
shall know and understand. 



60 I 



i 



WHAT GEORGE THINKS OF 
THE MOVIES 

^ o B- 

Characters: 

George^ who spends his pennies at the 
movies. 

An Interested Neighbor^ who finds 
George amusing. 

Mothers and Children^ regular attend- 
ants of the shadow drama. 

Scene — George's hack porch. 

George^ waxes eloquent over screen 
heroes : 

Gee, but movin' pitchers is swell! Us 
boys goes to matinees 'cause they don't 
cost so much. What I like best is them 
Wild West ones — lots of ridin' an' shoot- 
in' an' jumpin' off a cliff 'n everything. 
I saw a guy onct what rode into a whole 
army 'n made 'em all run away. I should 
think some of 'em could get round behind 
his back and ketch 'im; but don't nobody 
never seem able to do that in a movin' 
pitcher. They must be awful smart, them 
heroes. Why onct I seen a guy what fell 
in the cellar and got his arm busted, and 
his right arm, too, and then with his left 

61 



Jolly Monologues 



he knocked the tar out of four other fel- 
lers; jumped through a winder; swum a 
river; an' all the while they was shootin' 
an' shootin' but never hit 'im. Them 
movie fellers must shoot awful bad. Then 
the feller jumped on a horse that jest 
seemed to be standin' there all saddled and 
bridled that somebody musta forgot. And 
he rode miles and miles and miles and got 
away. They musta shot a whole box of 
cartridges into him but he didn't seem to 
get hurt none. I like the funny pitchers, 
too, where they hit each other on the head 
and blow flour and feathers into each oth- 
ers' faces and throw water all over the 
place. Say, if they'd let a kid get into them 
funny pitchers he'd have a swell time and 
wouldn't hafta worry 'bout his clothes 
nor nothin'. Us fellers gets to the mati- 
nee early so we can play tag around the 
seats before people come in much; but 
sometimes the usher gets fresh and stops 
us. I think it's all great but the mush 
stufl^. Them two lovers what's always 
kissin' at the end of the show! They make 
me sick! The greatest thing of all is when 
a guy pulls a gun and makes about twenty 
men back away with their hands up. I 
don't see how they do it, but I guess them 

' 62 



What George Thinks of the Movies 

movie heroes must be awful brave. Us 
boys would rather go alone to the movies, 
but one time Jimmie's mother took his lit- 
tle brother with her and she read out the 
titles — that is the readin' between the 
pitchers, and the lady in front of her, she 
turned round an' glared at her an' sed, 
"The rest of us kin read, too. Ma'am, but 
we don't read out loud." Then they had 
a reg'lar scrappin' match back and forth. 
Then another woman was tellin' the plot 
to the lady behind Jimmie's Ma 'cause 
she'd seen it before, and Jimmie's Ma 
turned roun' and she says to her, "Well, 
the rest of us would prefer seein' the 
pitchers to hearin' your gab." And then 
they had another scrap. But I pretty 
near got kep' from goin' to the movies 
altogether. You see me an' Jimmie and 
the rest of us boys saw a dandy pitcher 
and we thought we'd act it out at my 
house, and so when Ma was to a club one 
day we filled the bath tub and played we 
were shipwrecked and some of us rescued 
the other fellers. Then we got a waiter. 
Ma's big, best brass waiter, and slid down 
the front stairs playin' we was 'scapin' 
down the mountains from the bandits. It 
wudda been all right only we forgot to 

63 



Jolly Monologues 



turn off the water and we scratched the 
stairs an' when Ma come home the water 
was runnin' through the ceilin' in little 
rivers on the downstairs rugs. Ma can't 
shoot a gun but ef she was in the movin' 
pitchers with a hair brush, couldn't no- 
body beat her. 



64 



ISN'T ART ABSORBING? 

B" ^ ^ 

Characters: 

The Artistic One^ adoring things in- 
tangible^, or thinks she does. 

The Inartistic Man^ bored to distrac- 
tion and preferring pipe and slippers. 

Those who Congregate, to be enlight- 
ened. 

Scene — An evening at the home of an ul- 
tra culturist. 

The Artistic One^ raves. 

Oh, my dear, it's too bad you were not 
at the Club last evening! Such a wonder- 
ful program! The most marvelous high- 
brow poetry, my dear, the new stujff! 
Have you read any of it? I must confess 
I haven't, but for mercy's sake don't tell 
anybody. I just raved about it to every- 
body all around. Everyone else was rav- 
ing. I was afraid not to, because then, 
you see, people might think I didn't know 
the up-to-the-minute, very latest literary 
wrinkle. There was a wild looking man, 
who didn't look a bit like a poet. It seems 
that one mustn't nowadays. This man 
had a big head and heavy shoes, and he 

65 



Jolly Monologues 



wore a red necktie. His hands were huge. 
Then he read things that didn't rhyme at 
all. It sounded just like prose, and I give 
you my word, Stella, that I could not 
make a bit of sense of half of it. But 
gracious! How wise the audience looked, 
and I just wager half of the people there 
didn't comprehend more than I did either! 
It was simply ravishing, though, my dear. 
This jingley stuff that you can grab men- 
tally right oiF the reel doesn't make one 
think. 

This was real art — all about alleys and 
ashes and some horrid slang, almost swear- 
ing, and some of it was about the most 
grewsome sort of things! John was aw- 
fully cross because I dragged him out and 
said it was the darndest rot (only he didn't 
say ''darned") and that, so help him, 
never again! Men, except poets and mu- 
sicians, don't seem to care for art at all. 
You know John was like a bear with a 
sore head when I took him to the Art 
Evening at Madame Palette's. She has 
such an artistic little apartment. There 
were low lights, just candles, and every- 
body bumped into everybody else — it was 
so dark. A lot of artists and poets and 
all sorts of queer, delightful people were 

66 



Isn't Art Absorbing? 



there — so out of the ordinary, my dear! 
John kept giving up every chair he'd get, 
to some woman that would come in, until 
finally he had to sit on the dining room 
table. They didn't have any refreshments 
— just passed pink frappe. When the 
hostess saw him, she apologized because 
there were no more chairs, and John said, 
"Never mind, I always sit on the table at 
home," and she didn't know he was try- 
ing to be sarcastic. When they passed 
the pink frappe, John said to me he 
wished it had a kick in it. He said he'd 
even take a little dope in it to make him 
forget where he was. Wasn't that coarse? 

Well, I must tell you about the poetry 
last night — Free Verse they call it. John 
says, ''It's lucky it's free, because nobody 
would buy it." It really is positively 
charming, so crude and rough. It's like 
our bulldog — so ugly that it's just beau- 
tiful. 

A woman read some original verses. 
She didn't look like a poetess either. She 
was short and dumpy and wore clothes 
like a man's and a divided skirt. I copied 
some of the poems. 

An alley runs from street to street ; 
Ashes are there in cans; 

67 



Jolly Monologues 



There are also garbage cans 
Containing garbage. 
Cats sneak around the cans. 
Scavengers are they. 
Clothes hang on a line, 
Whited sepulchres that cover selfish souls. 
Creatures dead to all desires 
Save those for clothes and food and gar- 
bage cans. 
Banana peelings, old tins, 
Egg-shells — moldy bread, 
Refuse and garbage cans! 
I dream of them by night and day! 

Isn't that marvelous, my dear? You 
know the idea is that it is just as poetical 
to talk about the everyday things of life 
as of the stars and flowers and love and 
things that used to be considered poetry. 
Byron, Shelley and Keats are all passe, 
my dear, oh very passe. John was furious 
over that poem and said he wasn't an alley 
inspector. Isn't that the limit? I do wish 
he were more up-to-date in his ideas. 

Then the woman poet read some most 
ecstatic verses, little short things. John 
said that was the only redeeming feature 
— they were short. Let's see; I copied 
some of her things, too. This is one: 

68 



Isn't Art Absorbing? 



A gray sky trailing, smearing, splotching, 
Gray smoke trailing, winding, drifting, 
Dark gray — almost black. 

Isn't that mystical? Positively weird! 

This is another: 
A bird sat on a bough singing, 
The leaves trembled in the wind, 
Turnips and cabbages and onions cried 

out loud. 
We are coming later through the moist 

earth, 
Wait for us. 

Isn't that strong poetry — to talk of 
vegetables, instead of insipid violets and 
roses? One must bring in the virile 
things, the woman said. John said that 
onions ought to be strong enough poetry 
for anybody. I am desperately afraid 
John's soul is sordid. He will never un- 
derstand. 

Well, Stella, I must go. I just ran 
over to tell you of the perfectly adorable, 
artistic evening we had. A feast of rea- 
son! When I said that to John, he said it 
was a feast of garbage cans and a flow of 
inane rot. I am glad my mind is recep- 
tive, I feel that I have grown intellectu- 
ally about ten inches since I saw you last. 

Isn't art simply absorbing? 

69 



HER VALENTINE 

^ ^ ^ 

I am just a tiny little girl, 
But I have a Valentine. 
It says, "Oh, dainty, pretty one — 
I pray you will be mine." 

There are two hearts 
Just stuck right through; 
There's a funny boy with wings 
With "Cupid" printed near his head, 
And a bag of sticks and things. 

I 'spose it means some one likes me. 
Well, that is very fine; 
But I wish that cake or ice cream cones 
Was sent for my Valentine. 



70 



MAGGIE Mccarty talks 

ABOUT RECEPTIONS 

B- ^ ^ 

Characters: 
Maggie McCarty, receives after the 

family depart. 
BiDDiE AND Mary, recipients of her 

bounty who do not worry about the 

high cost of living ^ when somebody else 

furnishes it. 
The Mistress, who wants to be seen 

where everyone else goes. 
The Master, who loathes receptions and 

goes as a sheep to the slaughter. 
Scene — The kitchen. 

Maggie, gossips about the family. 

Come in, come in, girls, the folks has 
wint to a weddin* reciption and the byes 
has lit out for the avenin', so we'll have 
the house all to oursilves. I'll make some 
coffee and sandwidges and we'll kape on 
the lookout for Mike, whin he comes on 
his rounds and invite him in to have a bit 
to ate. Oh! sich a time as the missus had 
gittin' the master to go! I thought for 
shure we'd have the family in this avenin' 
instid of having the place to oursilves. If 

71 



Jolly Monologues 



there's anythin' that gits the master's goat 
it is one of them reciptions; he loikes to 
take off his coat and git into his smokin' 
jacket and slippers, whin he's afther stay- 
ing at home, which ain't so often at that. 

I knew somethin' was doin' whin her- 
self comes out to the kitchen, fussin' 
around about the dinner, and whin I was 
waitin' on the table, then I learned the 
whole story, pacin' it all out wid what I 
heard in the dinin' room and from the 
kitchen door, me wid me ear close to it, 
listenin' to the conversation. ''Isn't that 
delicious tinderline, Tom?" sez she to the 
auld man whin they was atin'. "I am so 
glad you loike it, seein' as you helped 
yoursilf twict, because I fixed it mysilf, 
knowin' you was so fond of it breaded, 
and the candied swate pertaties too. You 
know, Tom dear, I always loike to have 
ye plazed with your males." 

"Phwat's that," sez the auld man, 
''there must be something the matter with 
you, bein' so considerate, I suppose you 
want a new gown, or some money. How 
much? Let's git the agony over," says he. 
Belave me girls, it's pretty hard to fool 
him. He knowed something was in the 
wind. "Oh Tom," says she, "how can you 

72 



Maggie McCarty on Receptions 

talk loike thot? That's terribly rude and 
cruel and me in the hot kitchen all after- 
noon, makin' your favorite dessert, lemon 
pie. Am I ill, that I have grown so ami- 
able? Why, Tom Rogers you ought to 
be ashamed, me always, or nearly always, 
in a good humor." Indade and girls I was 
laughin' to mesilf at the way she was kid- 
din' hersilf about the good humor, her that 
can chew the rag as much as inybody whin 
she gets started. Well after the male, 
girls, he says he was goin' to the liberry 
and rade, but she stops him quick. 

"You might smoke," says she, "if you 
have time." "Time," says he, "pwhat's 
the rush?" "Why this is the night of the 
Baxter-Brown weddin'," says she, "and 
we must hurry." "I thought something 
was in the wind," says he. "Xothin' do- 
in'." Thin, girls, she begins to whine, 
"Oh, Tom, you must go. We've been in- 
vited and some of our other friends 
haven't and it will be a grand aif air and 
we've sent a prisint." "Get a taxi and go 
yoursilf," says he. She almost scramed, 
"Alone, do you mane? indade not, I won't 
have people wonderin' where you are and 
I won't go stringin' around alone loike 
that Mrs. Marshall always does. Now 

73 



Jolly Monologues 



hurry up, Tom, I've lade out your clothes, 
had them all brushed and pressed." Thin, 
girls, the fun began. He was grumblin' 
and growlin' the whole time he was dress- 
in' and me and her both awaitin' on him. 
''Why didn't you have the tailor press me 
clotKes?" says he, ''it looks like a home 
job, and where are me pearl studs? and 
where's me white silk vest?" Well it turns 
out, girls, that Harold, that's the bye that 
goes to college, had tuk the white vest 
back to school wid him. "Where's me 
necktie," says he, "me things is common 
property; everybody in the house wears 
'em." "Here's your old white vest," says 
she, "this silk one — I claned it wid gaso- 
line this afternoon." "It smells like a glue 
factory," says he. "Now, now, stop 
growlin'," says she from the nixt room, 
me bein' in there hookin' up the back of 
her dress, so I gets the whole benefit of 
the fight. All at once we hears some awful 
language and it sames that the auld man 
has dropped his collar button. So then 
Dick — that's the younger bye — ^has to 
come and find it, the auld man bein' too 
fat to stoop. "Why do idiots ever git 
married?" says he, "belave me, I wouldn't 
go to a weddin' from chice." "Oh, kape 

74 



Maggie McCarty on Receptions 

still," says she, ''for mercy's sake, quit 
your fussin'. And how do you loike me 
new gown? It only cost three hundred dol- 
lars and isn't it lovely?" But belave me, 
girls, he was so rid in the face and so mad 
he couldn't see the new gown for the 
timper of him. 

"Hurry, hurry," says she, ''the machine 
will come, and then they'll be runnin' up 
a bill on us." "Where's me silk muffler?" 
says he. "I am afraid Harold took that 
back wid him to college, too," says she. 
"But you can wear Dick's." "What, that 
red and yellow one?" says he, "and look 
like a Rah Rah school boy? I'll clane the 
place out," says he, "if they don't let me 
clothes alone. Where's me silk hat?" "I 
forgot to tell you," says she, "Bessie 
stepped on it. Now don't scold, she's only 
a baby and didn't know no better. You 
can wear your derby." "Oh, I suppose 
I can wear anything," says he, "just so 
you are all dolled up in your new gown. 
I don't feel loike goin' at all," says he, 
"especially lookin' loike a tramp," says he. 
"Oh, we must go," says she, "it's an awful 
swell affair, and I want folks to know we 
were invited, and then the weddin' prisint 
cost so much." "You want to git a run 

75 



Jolly Monologues 



for your money," says he, "and the poor 
fools that's gettin' married don't know 
what they are gettin' into." "That's a 
nice way to talk," says she, "you with 
three lovely children, not countin' in me 
that's always doin' somethin' for you." 
"Yes draggin' me off to reciptions and 
weddin's when I would rather a darn sight 
stay home or go to the Club," he answers. 
"And play cards and lose money," says 
she, "you had much better go to a lovely 
weddin'. There's the machine, now come 
on." And so girls, they rushes away, him 
still growlin' and her tickled to death wid 
the invitation and the new gown. The 
minute they had gone, I puts Bessie to 
bed and the bye's lights out and so here 
we are for a pleasant avenin' with all the 
nuisances out of the way. We'll have a 
nice little spread to pay for all the trouble 
the family gives me, bad cess to thim. 



76 



HIRAM AND THE BOLSHEV- 
ISTS 

^ B- ^ 
Characters: 

Hiram, with no use for long-haired 

tramps. 
The City Man, who comes up for the 

spring fishing. 
Reuben, who spouts sarcastically of 

brotherly love. 
Men of the Soil, who believe in sharing 

some things. 
Scene — The general store of a country 

village. 

HiRAM^ harangues. 

How air ye, Mister? Glad to see ye, 
agin this year. Come up fishin' ? Fishin's 
pretty good, they say. Stoppin' up to 
Silas Peters' place? Wall Silas treats 
folks all right, I guess. Maybe he's a 
little near about money matters but he 
won't skin ye. All the skinnin' ain't done 
by the city folks neither. They has a good 
deal of fun 'bout us farmers in the papers, 
but with tellyphones and tractors and tin 
Lizzies, as ye call 'em, we're up to snuff 
these days all right. True onct in a while 

77 



Jolly Monologues 



when we git to the city we acts green, but 
lands sakes all them noises is confusin'. 
Last year Si got stung to the tune of three 
hundred dollars, but don't ye tell him I 
told ye. He went to Chicago and when 
four o'clock in the mornin' come, he's so 
used to gittin up early, he went down 
stairs. Si never will use no elevators, and 
he went for a early mornin' walk. Ef he'd 
kep' in the Loop, they's alius somebody 
prowlin' around and the streets is light, 
but he went walkin' down by the river, 
and a Stranger met up with him. Says 
the Stranger — "I'm from the country and 
I like to take a mornin' walk. Can't sleep 
in town." Now, ef he'd come at Si with 
questions. Si would have been suspicious, 
but he looked and seen a man with bushy 
whiskers like his'n and so he says to the 
Stranger— "That's me, too." "We'll walk 
together if you don't mind," says the 
Stranger. "Sure," says Si. And he got 
so busy tellin' the Stranger how he'd run 
the Gov'mint if he set in the Presidential 
chair that he never noticed the Stranger 
leadin' him into a dark street by the river. 
"Ain't much like the river near my home 
town," says the Stranger, "all dark and 
muddy, but it makes me homesick just 

78 



Hiram and the Bolshevists 

the same." Si got homesick, too. He got 
mor'n homesick, for when he come to he 
was layin' down by the side of the bridge 
and his roll was gone. Don't make no 
mistake and ask Si, when ye git back to 
the house if he likes to take an early morn- 
in' walk when he's in town. 

Well, Mister, the laugh ain't all on one 
side, tho'. We can laugh at you city folks 
many a time. There was a girl come up 
here to Si's place for the summer last year 
and the fust night when they had honey 
on the table, she was one of them affected 
critters, she says to Si — "Oh, Mr. Peters, 
here is honey, how lovely! I see that you 
keep a bee!" Si near busted. Then she 
wanted him to take her out to the tomato 
trees so she could pick some right ofF'n the 
trees and eat 'em. That don't sound reas- 
nerble, but I \aim, Stranger, ef it ain't the 
truth. Gol durn, ef Si's hired man, Jake, 
didn't go and wire some pumpkins on a 
old dead apple tree and tell her they 
growed there. And when one of them 
things you folks calls pole cats — but w^e 
call somethin' else — come around one eve- 
nin', she says — "My, My, How strange. 
I can git the odor of the stock yards way 
up here!" Blame if Jake didn't go out- 

79 



Jolly Monologues 



side the house and roll on the ground 
lafBn'. Yes, city folks has as queer no- 
tions out here as we has in town, and don't 
you forgit it. 

Set down, Mister — I forgit your name 
— Oh, Clark? That ain't hard to remem- 
ber, but I ain't saw ye since last year. 
Ain't in no hurry, be ye? This ain't the 
busy time of the day for me. Too bad 
you want up here last week. We had 
some exciting time. Shure as ye're born. 
Ye see we reads the papers and keeps 
posted about air ships and the world's do- 
in's same as you do, and we was all dis- 
cussin' them Bolshe — Bolshe — Oh, Bol- 
shevicks, that's it! Fust we thought they 
was some kind of queer animals, then Si 
made out they was men who said every- 
body'd got to divide up with the tother 
feller or else they'd kill him. They talked 
brotherly love but it looked kinder queer 
to me. Looked like they'd kill each other 
if folks didn't do what them Bolshe — Bol- 
she — Bolshevicks said. 

Well a man come around here one day 
a preachin' and givin' out readin' about 
the great society of Brotherly Love when 
there wouldn't be no poor folks nor no 
marriages. Everybody could git married 

80 



Hiram and the Bolshevists 

or not just as they pleased, or pick out the 
other feller's wife if he didn't like his'n. 
I ain't saying but some of us was willin' 
to swap or git rid of those they had some 
way, but nobody dares to say nuthin' hke 
that round these parts; but you'd never 
believe me. Mister Clark, the women folks 
was strong for this feller, especially the 
old maids and the women what'd drawed 
lemons that was no good anyway. We let 
him talk and preach because this is a free 
country, till all at once we come to and 
found he was askin' ten dollars apiece 
from the women for to jine the Society, 
and Rube Hawkins found out that his 
darter, what was pretty as a picter and 
'bout sixteen, was plannin' to run away 
with the feller, and about five hundred 
dollars in cash of his'n — that is — of 
Rube's. So one night we plans a party. 
Si invited the stranger for a ride and when 
we come to a lonesome spot in the woods 
there was about twenty of us and a kettle 
of tar, and pretty nigh a wagon load of 
feathers, I guess. Says Rube to the Bol- 
she — Bolshe — Bolshevick, "we're calculat- 
in' on sharin' this tar with you. Brother, 
and these here feathers, seein' you believe 
in sharin'. 'Twon't cost you nothin'. It's 

81 



Jolly Monologues 



all give with our compliments and brother- 
ly love." Then we tarred and feathered 
the sun-of-a-gun and rode him on a rail. 
"Don't come back no more," says Rube. 
''This sharin' business is all right but you 
don't seem to have nothin' to give in re- 
turn but hot air, and we ain't aimin' to 
care for that; there's plenty around here 
free." That sure was a gol durn spec- 
tacle, Mister Clark. That Bolshe— Bol- 
she — Bolshevist, all featherin' out. Gol 
durn my slats if it warn't. 



82 



JIMMY'S PRAYER 

B" B" B- 
Oh Lord, please listen to my prayer! 

I want to do jes' right, 
My Mother says it's awful wrong 

Fer boys to quarrel and fight. 

An' when some feller smashes you. 

You must be very meek 
Wipe off your face and turn around 

So's he can swat the other cheek. 

Now listen. Lord, they is some boys 
Picks on you fer nothin' 'tall 

They're always spoilin' for a fuss 
An' they got a lotter gall. 

If you even 'spress a 'pinion 
They'll black one of your eyes; 

Bein' way up in Heaven, Lord, 
You don't know them mean guys. 

Now I'd like to ask a favor. Lord, 
If a kid like that comes 'round 

And you stand right still, turn both your 
cheeks 
Fer him to maul and pound 

When he gets through, won't you let me 
start 

83 



Jolly Monologues 



To lick him fer good and fair? 
Seems to me that's kind o' just 
And the way to make things square. 

Anyhow — make a new commandment, 
please, 

That a feller can fight when 
A bully gets to crowdin' hard, 

I'll be much obliged — Amen. 



84 



WHAT MARY THINKS OF BOYS 

B- ^ ^ 
Characters : 
Little Mary, so sorry that God made 

boys. 
Her Bestest Chum, of the same opinion. 
Those Superfluous Creatures, the 

boys. 
Scene — Mary's playroom. 

Little Mary, sadly confides. 

I don't like boys. They pull my hair 
and they are so rough. I should think 
God would like girls much better and I 
asked him in my prayers the other night 
not to bother making any more boys. 
They hide my dolls or break them and 
they never do study in school, and put our 
class back when we are working for a 
medal for good 'portment. At dancing 
school they are so rude and clumsy and 
walk all over your feet. If a boy does be- 
have his'sef they call him "Sissy" just like 
it was a dusgrace to be a girl. I learned 
a pretty little fancy dance and danced it 
at an 'tainment for our school and wher- 
ever I went after that, the boys would 
jump up in the air and act very siUy and 

85 



Jolly Monologues 



say — "This is Mary, oh! mercy how she 
dances! Tra-la-la!" I cried and told my 
mamma, and she went out one day when 
they mimicked me and said, '*You boys 
oughta be pos'tively 'shamed acting just 
hke little hoodlums. I shall report you to 
your mothers." But that made it worse 
'cause then they used to call "tell-tale" 
after me. When I told my mamma, she 
said — "Darling, don't mind them, they are 
'corrigible." I don't know what that 
means but it sounds like something aw- 
fully naughty. Once we went to a picnic 
and the boys took the ice cream freezer 
and hid it and then ate all the ice cream 
and put salt in the lemonade. I just 
'spose boys is like the plagues of Egypt 
in our Sunday School lesson. We've got 
to have 'em, to make us re'lize the world 
is a place where we have to conquer evil. 
Our Sunday School teacher said that — not 
about boys but about plagues ; but I guess 
she was thinking of boys too. They are 
always marking our desks with chalk and 
making our auto horn "honk." Papa gets 
furious and jumps up from the dinner 
table, but it seems boys are awful swift 
runners 'cause he never can catch them. 
Papa says boys ought to be nailed up into 

86 



What Mary Thinks of Boys 

barrels until they're twenty, but they seem 
to be around loose. Howard Earle next 
door to us had a circus and they had a 
goat for a horse, but the goat backed up 
against the fence, and wouldn't go around 
the ring like they wanted him to. They 
charged one cent and five pins to get into 
the circus, and some of us girls went, too, 
tho' we were sort of 'fraid. Well, the goat 
finally let loose and butted Howard all 
over the circus, and he yelled and cried. 
When I got in my own yard where I felt 
safe, I hollered "Cry-Baby" and laughed 
'cause Howard has teased me an awful lot. 
The boys had the clothes line of the folks 
in the top flat and they were playin' rope 
steers with their collie dog for a cow; but 
the janitor came out and said — "I'll tache 
ye to be ropin' steers in the yard, ye imps 
of Satan." And that broke up the circus. 
After all, maybe boys are some use 
'cause Howard Earle came up to our sum- 
mer home one year with his mother. I 
heard Mamma say to Papa she dreaded 
to have him come, and Papa said — "Count 
me out, I'll stay in town if you 'tain that 
bandit and his mother." But it seems 
Mamma had to ask Mrs. Earle 'cause she 
had 'vited us to her home in the country 

87 



Jolly Monologues 



one year. Howard didn't do much 'cept 
scare the neighbor's hens off their nests 
and break their wind-mill, and lose the 
oars from our boat, and let the cows in 
the corn of the farmer down the road. 
But when Mamma was just about crazy 
then one day Howard did something good 
and she forgave him everything, even tho' 
she had to pay the neighbors a lot of 
money just 'cause he visited us. You see 
one day I went bathing in the lake and so 
did Howard, and I couldn't swim, and I 
got out where I couldn't touch my feet. 
There was a hole that somehow had been 
washed away, and Howard swam out and 
saved me. Mamma hugged and kissed 
him. He didn't like that much, but he 
stood it 'cause she gave him some candy 
and some money and called him a ^'little 
hero," so I guess boys may be of some 
use after all. 



88 



FROM THE STREET CAR CON- 
DUCTOR'S POINT OF VIEW 

^ B- ^ 

Characters: 
The Conductor, who sizes up the crowd. 
Jerry, the Policeman, his friend who 

gets free transportation. 
The Passengers, just a mob of fares. 
Scene — A city street car at any hour. 

The Conductor, with a fortunate fund 
of good humor J relieves his mind. 

Step lively! All aboard! Hurry along! 
We can't wait all day! Fares! Shure this 
is a pay-as-ye-enter. Did ye think I was 
sthandin' here as an ornymint? Here, here, 
that transfer was good last wake but not 
today. What's that? The conductor on 
the other cair jist gave it to ye? Well, 
he'll have to be shot for slapin' on duty. 
He must be that old Rip Van Winkle 
they talks about. Thim ancient transfers 
won't work on this line. No, don't argue. 
Other folks is behint ye. This transfer 
is not from a cross town line, anyway. 
Give me your money or I'll put ye off the 
cair. Shure that come out of your pocket 
as hard as a tooth from your jaw — ^that 

89 



Jolly Monologues 



money. Any time today, leddy. Stip 
aside, plaze, let the other folks pay while 
ye're lookin' over the contints of your bag. 
What air ye sayin', Ma'am? Ye tould me 
to let ye oif at Beecher Strate, well that 
ain't a sthop. No we couldn't sthop there. 
We ain't runnin' no accommodation 
trains. Ye should think not? Well, no 
use gettin' huffy. We works under 
ortdhers. This ain't no private cair. 
Ye'U have to walk back a couple of blocks. 
Now don't take it out on me. Jaw the 
company. All right, report me! Now 
ye've gone by the nixt stop while ye were 
fussin'. Oh, thim wimmin! It's good me 
nerves is tough. Step inside. Plinty of 
room in front. What's that? It's all 
taken up at prisent? Don't be frish, young 
feller. Ye cain't sthand outside here. 
What air ye sayin', leddy? Why don't 
I call the strates? Shure I do, ef ye'd 
listen. I'll git a megaphone. This is just 
a strate cair, not a rubber neck bus. 

Hello, Jerry ! Shure it must be great to 
be a polaceman and ride free. I wisht I 
had yere job. I'd arrist all the boobs what 
rides in cairs. Look at that old rube and 
his wife. I s'pose it's his wife. Nobuddy 
ilse would have her. The're laffin' at that 

90 



The Street Car Conductor 

old dame all dolled up like a young gurl 
and she's makin' fun of thim to her 
friends because they are from the coun- 
try. Gorry! It's looky we cain't see 
oursilves the way other folks sees us. 
Some of us would die of lafRn' some times. 
That auld bum in the corner is aslape. 
I'll bet he won't wake up at his sthrate. 
Yis, leddy. That kid is full fare. What? 
He ain't over six. Six, what? Six feet? 
He's about twilve years auld. Fare! 
Fare! I can't wait all day. Shure go on 
report me. It's the sthjde. Ivery one 
does that. Why are we sthoppin' ? There's 
a parade, Mum. It's rainin' ? Shure I see 
that wid me own eyes. Why do they 
parade in the rain? Ye'd bitter ask the 
Committee on Arrangements. They 
didn't make me the Chairman today. 
What do ye say, leddy? Ye want to go 
where ye're goin'. God knows, I do too. 
Ye can't in the rain? Well, git a taxi. 
Ye can't afford it? Now for Hivin's 
sakes, in that case I don't see nothin' to 
do but wait thin. What say, Sir? Parade? 
Shure! Well, you ain't in a hurry? That's 
good, for we may be waitin' some time. 
What time is it? Tin o'clock? No, it's 
twelve. Jerry, that old rube was only two 

91 



Jolly Monologues 



hours out of the way. He thought it was 
tin o'clock. No wonder he want in no 
hurry. Ye want to know how long it'll 
be, Mum? I can't tell, Mum. That's de- 
pindin' on the length of the parade. Ye 
think ye'U git out. All right, I won't 
sthop ye. That old dame must have had 
a date by the hurry of 'er and the way 
she was dolled up, Jerry. Shure it must 
have been wid a blind mon considerin' the 
face of 'er. All aboard! We're goin' 
soon. Look how mad the auld dame looks 
when we got stharted just as she got off. 
Wait, leddy. Wait. You wid a baby. 
I'll hilp ye git on the cair. Too hard gittin' 
on wid a basket and a baby. That's all 
right. That's all right. I've got four 
kids of me own. 

What's that ye're sayin'. Miss? Ye 
forgot to ask for a transfer when ye paid 
your fare? That's the rules. Well, I'll 
give it ye this time but don't ye be for- 
gittin'. She ain't a bad looker, is she, 
Jerry? Well, be gorry, there has to be 
some compensation for all the mutts that 
passes in and out of me cair. How would 
ye like me job, Jerry? Shure it's a gay 
life, I don't think. Ding! Ding! 



92 



THE EATER ^ 

B- ^ B" 

Next door to our house there is a boy 
Who eats a drefFul lot. 
It seems he never gets enough 
Of food both cold and hot. 

On Thanksgiving he stuffs and stuffs 
With turkey and mince pie; 
On Christmas too — then he gets sick- 
And with pain he has to cry. 

I said, ''Why do you stuff and stuff, 
That always makes you ill?'\ 
" 'Cause — A famine might come on 
And I'm gonna get my fill.'' 

He said, ''There was a famine once 
I heard our teacher say; 
So I'm just filling up myself 
Before it comes this way." 



93 



THE PEACH BLOSSOM PRIN- 
CESS 

B- ^ B- 

Characters : 

MiTSU^ called the Peach Blossom Prin- 
cess. 

Seiza^ her lover. 

The American Girl Tourist^ who dotes 

upon romance. 
Scene — In Japan at ''The Tea House of 

Happy Hours'' 

O MiTSU^ tells her love story. 

My name, Honorable Lady? It is O 
Mitsu. That means "light," but Seiza 
call me his Peach Blossom Princess. 
Welcome, welcome, beautiful young lady 
to stay at tea house while rest of your 
exalt party go for Jinrikisha ride! You 
weary and you like see me dance again? 

1 am place on high — by your honorable 
consideration — as high as is the top of our 
worship mountain, Fuji Yama. I am 
flatter — but the young man of estimable 
face — do you weary of him also? He bow 
at your feet with love. You wish him go 
away for a time? I not understand the 
ways of your people from across sea. 

95 



Jolly Monologues 



I, O Mitsu, weep for him, my Seiza — 
you come from Unita State, lady fair 
as the lily flower? You know my Seiza of 
the place San Fran? Ah, how you say 
that? San-Fran-cees-co, so! You know 
him not? He the honorable young man 
of O Mitsu's heart. He go to college 
to school in Unita State — to school of 
great mind. His august guardian Oki, of 
the Thread Shop, like not geisha girl like 
me. He say, we not marry; Seiza say yes. 
And so we marry when honorable dear one 
return for his O Mitsu, his Peach Blos- 
som Princess, as he call me. He will 
come for O Mitsu and we return and 
keep shop in San Fran — shop of silk, of 
pottery, of embroidery and gold fishes — 
lilies too and many much more thing. I 
say you like Lily flower. But no, you like 
Chrysanthemum, grand — big — honorable 
young lady. I call you O Kiku San — 
that mean Chrysanthemum. You tall and 
glowing like gorgeous flower. I sorry 
you not here at Fete of Chrysanthemum. 
It now cherry blossom time. Lovely? 
Yes, but all happy but poor O Mitsu. I 
so sad, yet I must dance and smile. Geisha 
girl cannot weep. I wait and wait. I call 
across the rice fields, "Come, my beloved 

96 



The Peach Blossom Princess 

Seiza, for your little Peach Blossom Prin- 
cess." But only the little frogs answer 
and Seiza comes not. The light has gone 
from O Mitsu. I whisper to you my se- 
cret, oh Lady of the Chrysanthemum. It 
seem long time since we wandered beneath 
the moon beams, me and my beloved. We 
drift far through the lotus blooms in tiny 
boat. Seiza say he adore O Mitsu. If 
I want moon — he will reach for it with 
long pole of bamboo, so I have my wish. 
We wander where the sandalwood trees 
breathe spicy odor. Seiza twine almond 
bloom sometime in hair of his Peach 
Blossom Princess. He say, "O Mitsu 
have smile like a flower — like a lotus blos- 
som courting favor. He say his Peach 
Blossom Princess is beautiful to the tips 
of her fairy finger-nails. When we part 
he sing this love song: 
"Oh flower hear me well, if thou hast a 

soul — 
When anyone sorrows as I am sorrowing 
Why dost thou bloom?" 
And he twined flowers in my hair. But 
Seiza returns not and days are sad. When 
temple bells are ringing, O Mitsu weep 
and pray for safe return of her Seiza. 
Shall I whisper secret to Honorable Miss 

97 



Jolly Monologues 



Chrysanthemum of Unita State? Here 
is my sea shell. We pick it up on beach 
and Seiza whisper into it: 

"Seiza adores his Peach Blossom Prin- 
cess. He will come again to claim his 
own O Mitsu. Wait, beloved, wait! Seiza 
will come back across the seas, blown by 
the silver sails of love." 

Listen! This is my secret. The secret 
of my sea shell. Seiza's soul is there. Do 
you hear him murmur, august, beautiful 
lady? Now know you why I am sad. The 
willows by the brook weep with O Mitsu, 
yet the breeze whispers through the lemon 
grove to O Mitsu of the Tea House of 
Happy Hours that Seiza will come again. 
Yet I falter, I lose hope, though I dance 
and smile and sing. No ! I will hope my 
honorable beloved will come for me. My 
heart sings it ; the sea shell whispers it. 

Behold! Oh exalted young lady from 
across the sea, look below and in valley! 
Who comes up steep mountain side to the 
Tea House of Happy Hours? It is, it is 
he! My Seiza! He has come back to me 
— to fulfill glad message of the shell ! 

Oh, my beloved, your Peach Blossom 
Princess is waiting. Welcome home, oh 
blessed one, welcome home! 

98 



ONE MINUTE TO EAT 

^ B- ^ 
Characters : 
Sadie the Waitress^ full of good hu- 
mored banter. 
Bill, Her Sweetheart, with a grouch. 
Lunch Counter Habitue^ who gobble 

and get. 
Scene — A quick-lunch room. 

Sadie^ chins and serves. 

Ham and — sunny side up! Coffee? 
Want it black? Why didntchu say so? I 
ain't no mind reader. We always puts 
cream in unless you specify. What do I 
mean, cream? There ain't no such animal? 
Well, then, Mr. Funny, milk or chalk, if 
you like it better. That all? Pie? Sure, 
all kinds. Minsapricotpeachappleprune. 
Don't want prune? You lived in a board- 
in' house once? Well, prunes is riz, ain't 
cheap no more — they're gettin' quite styl- 
ish. Here's your check. Don't forget to 
come again. Oh, quit kiddin' me ! I know 
I'm a regular movie actress, but I ain't 
got time to listen. What'U you have, mis- 
ter? Soup? One bowl! That all? Dough- 
nuts? Don't like them doughnuts — they're 

99 



Jolly Monologues 



too small? Well, they put holes in them. 
I'll tell them to save the dough from the 
middle for you next time. Say, for the 
love of Mike, Yon Yonson, what did you 
stoop down then for? To pick up some- 
thing? Well, you like to got something. 
You like to got some hot stuff down your 
neck, me carryin' this soup. You are one 
boob! 

Liver and — on two! Stack of wheats! 
Oh, yes, I've got you fellers sized up. I 
know what you want as soon as I sees you. 
You're the one minute stop-watch boys 
all right. Rice pudding! Now you're all 
fixed up. Yes, this is my busy day. No 
chance to loaf on the job here. Hello, 
Bill Hardy! YouVe got the usual grouch. 
Now don't come chewin' the rag now 
about my dancin' with other fellers last 
night; if you don't want no eats get out, 
and I'll see you after hours. You'll take 
ham hocks and cabbage? Don't put vine- 
gar on the cabbage. Bill, you are sour 
enough already. Here comes his nobs the 
joker, regular little Charlie Chaplin, al- 
ways says the same thing. I have to make 
believe to laugh because he's a friend of 
the boss. He sure gives me a pain for the 
funny stuff he tries to pull. But the boss 

100 



One Minute to Eat 



says he has the mazuma all right. Hello, 
sure I'm your sister. Thought you'd 
drop into the Blackstone for After-noon 
Tea? Come on in, the water's fine. What's 
that? The orchestry's too loud. I'll speak 
to the Umpah and have him put on the 
soft peddle. Hey in there, stop clatter- 
ing dishes. It annoys Mr. Rockybilt 
here. What would you like, lady? Two 
cheese sandwidges to take out with you? 
Two cheese on white to go! Say, Bill, that 
dame is too proud to eat in here, she al- 
ways takes her stuff outside. Hello, hap- 
py days, Kittie! Ain't saw you for a 
month of Sundays. Where've you been 
hidin'? Oh, just buzzin' around? Well, 
you ain't buzzed in here. Got a raise, 
some class to you! I suppose you will take 
strawberry shortcake on that. Look, 
Kittie, here comes that old dame. She 
always orders rolls and coffee. I don't 
believe from the looks of her she ever saw 
a square meal. Wisht I knew how to give 
her one. Tell you what — you go set at 
her table and get to talking to her and I'll 
serve you a double order and pay my 
share to you. See? Then you ask her to 
have some of yours and help you out, as 
you can't eat it all. Will you? You're the 

101 



Jolly Monologues 



goods, kid, all right! Go on over! Lamh 
stew, hot rolls, mince pie! I'll bring the 
order. Kit, and you do the rest, not for- 
gettin' the old dame. Give her plenty. 
Well, look who's here! Hank and Ethel! 
Married? For Pete's sake! Spliced! Bill, 
did you hear the weddin' march? Bill's 
got his usual grouch after a dance. See 
the glassy stare he gives me! I suppose 
you folks want a regular wedding supper. 
Oh, had your eats at the La Salle or the 
Congress or some of the classy joints, eh? 
Say, there's Tillie Adams hangin' around 
outside. Call her in. Bill. She's goin' 
to touch me, but you see she is outer luck. 
What do you say, Bill? You don't want 
me to associate with her? Too bad about 
you! Since when did you have to pick 
my friends. That skate left her high and 
dry, and I'm goin' to stand by her, see? 
Now I've got her eye. Hello, Tillie, come 
in. Wait till I wait on some folks at the 
table over there. Now, Tillie, you want 
something to eat. Oh, yes, you do. I'll 
treat. Oh, Bill says he'll do that. Don't 
look very cheerful, does he? But as long 
as he shows the coin, we should worry. 
Here's a dollar. Slip it in your jeans. I 
have to wait on customers. I'll put in 

102 



One Minute to Eat 



your order, but that old bum over there is 
gettin' impatient. Oh, you married folks 
decided to eat again, did you? Regular 
little turtle doves! Some order you're 
givin'. Hold on, you're too fast for me! 
Well, I'm sure glad to see you. When 
Bill's temper is sweeter (which it don't 
look like it would be in a thousand years) 
we may follow suit. Wait until I take that 
guy's order over there. Oh, goodbye, Til- 
lie. Come in again. So long! Good luck! 
Xow I can talk a minute to you love birds 
again. Where did you get that Georgette 
Crepe dress, Ethel? You're some doll! 
Look at the old dame over there with Kit. 
She sure was hungry. I'm glad I thought 
of that. I'll bet it is her first square 
meal for some moons. Bullieve muh — she 
needed that feed. JNIy fresh friend is 
calling me. He's through talking with 
the boss. Say, that fellow makes me 
weary! What did you say. Bill? You've 
got a good job now, and you wdsht I'd quit 
mine and get married? Not till you col- 
lect a little sugar in your system. You're 
a good kid. Bill, but you sure are green- 
eyed with jealousy. Maybe if you'll smile 
I'll think it over. Anyway, they say the 

103 



Jolly Monologues 



first hundred years is the hardest. So long, 
Bill, I'll see you tonight, and try to shake 
the grouch before we meet again. 



104 



A CHOP SUEY LOVE TALE 

B- ^ ^ 
Ching-a-ling-a Che Foo was a China Man 
And he loved a pretty maid called Wee, 
A charming little saffron girl, with quite 

tiny feet, 
And slanting eyes as black as black could 

be. 2 

Wee rode in a sedan chair, a gorgeous 

chair of red. 
Carried by some coolies strong and tall. 
She often came to Chee Foo's shop to buy 

— bright silken robes. 
But that was not the reason — not at all. 

3 

For Chee Foo whispered words of love 

into Wee's small ear, 
Words that won her little China heart, 
Until her wicked father, a Mandarin of 

note. 
Said that Wee and Ching-a-ling must 

part. ^ 

Ching was bastinadoed, whipped with 

bamboo rods 
And made to Chop Sticks in the Public 

Square, 

105 



Jolly Monologues 



While the weeping maiden was fastened 

in a tower, 
With not a soul her solitude to share. 

5 

Gay love laughs at locksmiths, more than 

ever now, 
In this very scientific day. 
Ching escaped within an airship — flew up 

to the tower. 
Sailing with his loved one far away. 

6 

Now Ching-a-ling-a Chee Foo and his 

loving wife. 
In America are running a Cafe, 
In this land of freedom they are happy as 

can be 
Chopping Chop Suey all the day. 

7 
''Ki yi, kee yee, koo, koo, wah wah, wikki 

woo, 
Okka, oka, oily oly, oo-ey,'' 
Ching says to his dainty wife, translated 

it must mean, 
"How wonderful is love, dear, and Chop 

Suey." 



106 



CONVERTING JOHN THE 
"BLAPTIST" 

B- B- B" 

Characters: 
Mrs. Reformer^ a hit weary of the job. 
Her Friend^ a listening caller. 
The Chinaboy Convert, John the 

''Blaptist:' 
Scene — A home. 

Mrs. Reformer^ tells her troubles. 

My dear, I am all worn out with this re- 
form work. Really, I suppose it's a good 
thing to try to convert the heathen, but 
one never seems to get anywhere. Why 
do we call them heathen? I think they are 
too wise or else so stupid they seem wise, 
which amounts to almost the same thing, 
doesn't it? You know I used to teach at 
the Chinese Sunday School and I taught 
a Chinaman named John. Are all China- 
men named John? That's queer, isn't it? 
I never heard of one that wasn't called 
John or maybe Charley. Well, anyhow, 
wait until I ring for tea. Tea — Huldah. 
Oh, it's such a relief to see that girl in- 
stead of John! But I am getting ahead 
of my story. John was the most docile 

107 



Jolly Monologues 



thing and as solemn as an image of 
Buddha. When I told him all about the 
Bible, he'd nod his head and say, "Velly 
good," most patronizingly. You'd think 
he knew all about it before, but I honestly 
believe, my dear, he had not one iota of 
an idea about the religious side of it. Just 
between us, I'll tell you that I think he 
only wanted to learn English. 

Here's our tea. One lump? Two? 
Lemon? Take one of these little cakes, 
dear. That will do, Huldah. 

Well, to go on with my story, Rob used 
to joke, or, as he says, kid me about my 
convert, and I always stoutly maintained 
John understood, but I know better now. 
I told him all about Jonah and the Whale, 
and Noah and the flood, and Moses and 
the bulrushes, and when I tried to review 
what I had taught him, and asked him to 
tell me my story, what do you think he 
always said? 

"Mosee fell out big boat Arkee into 
Pacif ee Ocean and big flish eatee him up." 
Nothing would change his story. Wasn't 
that the limit? 

I told him of John the Baptist and he 
seemed, as Rob says (that isn't my slang) , 
to fall for the name right away. After 

108 



CoxvERTixG John the "Blaptist" 

that he always called himself "John the 
Blaptist." It sounded very sacrilegious 
but nothing would change him, and when 
I tried to explain he grew dense, as he in- 
variably did when he did not want to com- 
prehend. "Chinaboy no spik Inglis," was 
his safeguard. 

Have some tea, dear? And a cake — yes, 
they are delicious. Huldah makes them. 
The recipe? Surely; but mind you, Hul- 
dah has a knack that is hard to beat, so do 
not be disappointed if they are not just 
like hers. 

Oh, yes, I mustn't forget to finish about 
John. He nearly finished me. You know 
the verse about the publicans and sinners. 
I was teaching him that lesson one election 
time and he looked up and pointed to a 
sign, with the suspicion of a ray of intel- 
ligence on his face and nodded, ''Repub- 
licans and sinners," and you could never 
get him to change it, not but what the 
names go together sometimes, but I sup- 
pose there are Democrats and sinners too 
as well. John came to Sunday School 
with a black eye one Sunday. I was 
amazed as he was such a peaceable crea- 
ture, and asked him how in the world it 
happened. He told me stolidly that a nice 

109 



Jolly Monologues 



Chlistian gentleman hit him with a stick. 
A nice Chhstian gentleman! Imagine! I 
always wondered if John really meant 
way down in his queer oriental mind to be 
sarcastic. Finally I took John home as a 
cook. This must have been in a moment 
of temporary insanity on my part or else 
he hypnotized me. He walked so softly 
that I never knew he was anywhere until 
I looked up and saw him. It was posi- 
tively spookish. Rob used to call him the 
avenging conscience and the still small 
voice, right to his face, thinking he did not 
understand. I believe now he did and 
got even in his own way. I will tell you 
about it later. 

One day when I had company someone 
spilled some cream on the floor and I called 
John to come and wipe it up. Would you 
believe, dearie, after that, whenever I had 
company, that stupid Chinaman always 
came in with a pail of water to wipe up 
the floor. I was almost distracted. We 
finally had to let him go. 

Rob always insisted I dismissed John 
because he commented on my appearance. 
Rob loves a joke on me. I was all dolled 
up — there's Rob's slang again — dressed 
up, I mean, to go to an at home one af ter- 

110 



Converting John the "Blaptist" 

noon, in a new gown and was feeling par- 
ticularly fine, when John stopped me at 
the door. "What matter wit you?" he 
asked. I looked surprised and he contin- 
ued, "When you dless go out, you look 
like young girl slixteen — when work round 
house you look like old woman slixty." 
What do you think of such impertinence? 
He never batted an eye and Rob fairly 
howled. I could not see the joke my- 
self. However, I got even with Rob, and 
I think John did too, in this wise: 

When babj^ had the whooping cough, 
we burned that dreadfully smelly stuff in 
his room and I explained to John that it 
was to kill germs. 

Rob kept missing his two for a half ci- 
gars that he kept for company and choice 
occasions, and one day he ran plump into 
John the Blaptist smoking one compla- 
cently in the basement. Rob flew into a 
rage, when John calmly told him "He 
smoke — ^killee germee whloopee cough.'' 
The humor of the situation struck me, but 
not Rob. It makes a difference who is 
the butt of the joke, doesn't it, and he 
fired John then and there. John did not 
worry, nothing seemed to worry him — that 
was his life philosophy. When he made a 

111 



Jolly Monologues 



mistake and you told him of his error, he 
always calmly laid the blame at your own 
door. "You forglet," "Allee samee me 
good fella — you forglet/' and that ended 
the matter. So ended my efforts to con- 
vert John the Blaptist. 
Do have some tea, dearie. 



112 



TO HIM THAT OVERCOMETH 

B- "5- B' 

Characters: 
The Evil One^ who speaks. 
The Holy One^ who appears. 
Scene — The world. 
The Eyil One, boasts of his conquests. 

I have a rendezvous with a pretty maid, 
tender and star-eyed. She wants to see 
life in the great city, to peer into forbid- 
den places ; so she will meet me. She will 
not know me, but I shall be there. She 
will see only the dashing man about town, 
who praises her beauty, her charm, and 
hovers about her with courteous solici- 
tude. He is the instrument through 
whom I shall begin her downfall. She 
will drink and laugh and dance, and pity 
the straight-laced girl of the country 
town. Down, down the scale she will go 
until, a blear-eyed, haggard, hideous hag, 
she will look into my face and know me — 
cursing. Then shall I laugh, laugh loud 
and long, at the finished product of my 
endeavor. 

I have a rendezvous with a man. He 
has been losing money, gambling, carous- 

113 



Jolly Monologues 



ing and ''hitting the high places." He will 
waver in despair and I shall whisper to 
him how easy it will be to take a little of 
his employer's money, a little here and a 
little there, and he will yield. Yielding, 
he will yield again until discovery comes, 
when he will face the judge, the prison 
cell. Then will he see me face to face, 
and I shall laugh, a laugh that will be 
echoed throughout all the halls of sin. 

I have a rendezvous with a sharp- 
tongued slattern, whose venomous tongue 
rolls with slander and vituperation. She 
is my good ally, the gossip, who mouths 
unsavory morsels to the undoing of her 
fellow creatures. I am always at her side, 
whispering suspicion and contumely and 
I shall own her soul, which is scarcely wor- 
thy of my effort, she is so easily my prey. 

I have a rendezvous with a man of 
wealth, who is hoarding great bags of yel- 
low gold out of the suffering of his fel- 
low men. When he comes to the parting 
of life's ways he will see me, and the great 
bags of gold will bear him down to the 
lowest pit of my domain. 

I have a rendezvous with a lady^ — so 
she styles herself— a lady who lies all 
morning in a negligee, eating candy, read- 

114 



To Him That Oyercometh 

ing novels and kissing a dog. Bah! Some 
things sicken me, even if I am the devil. 
She has no children. She rides about in 
her limousine, drinks, plays cards all af- 
ternoon and dances half the night, while 
little children of the slimis — children from 
whom she shrinks in disgust — grow up 
daily into criminals of her making, hers 
and mine. I have a rendezvous with this 
lady, but I do not think I shall keep it. 
What's the use, so surely is she mine? 

I have a rendezvous with a man who 
believes I am a myth. He says there is 
no God, no heaven, no hell, no devil to be 
feared. Like the stupid ostrich, he thrusts 
his head into the sand. He says there is 
no danger because he can see none. With 
all the great forces about him, the won- 
ders and mysteries as yet unsolved, he is 
blind. The sin of indifference will bring 
him to my place of rendezvous and I shall 
seize my own. 

I have a rendezvous with all the weak 
and faltering ones. But stay — who bars 
my path? What great light bhnds mine 
eyes? What wondrous voice like music 
falls upon mine ears? 

^'Though their sins be as scarlet!'' 
"To him that overcometh!" 

115 



Jolly Monologues 



My power is weakened; my steps falter; 
there is a greater Force than the force of 
evil. Sin must fall before the Holy One. 
He forever holds the cross on high that 
the eyes of all the world may see. 



116 



WHEN WE WENT IN 

B- ^ B- 
You see 'twas the day we wuz goin' in, 
For our first real taste of fight. 
Reveille blew and 'twas rainin' hard 
And 'twas still as black as night. 

The boys came tumblin' down from the 

loft 
Grumblin' to beat the band. 
Though some was crackin' a joke or two, 
An' all had plenty o' sand. 

Bonfires lighted the village streets 
As we burned our old bed straw; 
Men wuz hurryin' everywhere, 
Wadin' 'round in the early thaw. 

Wagons, motors, mule teams with heavy 

loads. 
Line after line of marchin' men. 
With rifles, trench helmets, full packs and 

gas masks. 
We knew 'twas the real thing then. 

On and on we marched mile after mile, 
God ! them packs weighed half a ton ; 
And my feet was burnin' like two red 

coals 
With the march not nearly done. 

117 



Jolly Monologues 



Some one started a song an' we sung for 

awhile, 
But the rain made us feel pretty glum, 
So we just hiked along kinda cussin' inside 
The weather was sure on the bum. 

Rest a bit every hour, then hike on again ! 
And poor little sawed-off Bill, 
His feet wuz achin' to beat the band 
But not a complaint did he spill. 

His ankle was wrenched and he wuz short 

to the ground. 
Though otherwise hearty and strong; 
A jolly second lieutenant was kiddin' us 

all. 
Just to help matters along. 

Sawed-ofF dropped back, but he stayed 

with the game, 
Suff erin' the tortures of Hell, 
Till all at once he got wobbly and white 
And down by the roadside he fell. 

That Second Lieutenant, a tall husky 

chap. 
Helped him up and shouldered his pack; 
Bill, he pertested but got up and marched 
Easier with a free back. 

118 



When We Went In 



On and on, on and on, sullen, silent and 

worn. 
Miles and miles an' skeree one word wuz 

said, 
A man could go mad with the solemn 

tramp, tramp. 
Of the boots of the man just ahead. 

So we got in at last and then come the 

time 
When we went over the top with the rest. 
Into Hell Fire — well I didn't get killed. 
But I come from the fray kinda messed. 

The Second Lieutenant, the tall husky 

guy— 
Him that carried poor Sawed-off Bill's 

pack! 
Dead out there in No Man's Land with 

hundreds more. 
With never a chance to come back. 

Say ! I ain't no religionist, though I think 

they's a God, 
And I onc't heard a good Bible verse 
'Bout bearin' the burdens of somebody 

else. 
An' it 'ud kinda lift off life's curse. 

119 



Jolly Monologues 



So maybe the Lord, if they is such a One, 
Just opened up Heaven's gate wide. 
And said to the Lieut, who wuz such a 

good pal. 
Come on, boy, you're welcome inside. 

Note. — The poem is founded on a true 
incident of the World War, as related by a 
correspondent. 



120 



WHO SAYS WOMAN'S PLACE IS 
AT HOME? 

^ ^ B- 

Characters : 
Mrs. Hasbeen Richly^ seeking business 

advice. 
Mr. Bizziman^ an old friend of her late 

husband. 
Scene — Mr. Bizziman's office. 

Mrs, Hasbeen Richly^ proceeds to do 
the talking. 
Good morning, Mr. Bizziman, I'm 
afraid I'm a wee bit late. Oh, only half 
an hour late? I'm so glad. I was afraid 
it was more than that. I'm not used to 
getting up so early. An eight o'clock 
breakfast! Such an unearthly hour! I 
never take anything but coiFee and rolls 
for breakfast, generally — but this morn- 
ing on account of getting up so early and 
beginning my business career, I ate a ce- 
real and some eggs — eggs are so high now 
too — isn't it dreadful the high cost of liv- 
ing? And then the cars took so long with 
all the stops, and they were so smelly! 
But I thought I might as well get used to 
it — and not take a taxi. It is so dear of 

121 



Jolly Monologues 



you to try to help me out and teach me 
business. You and poor Stewart were 
such close friends. Stewart I call him 
now. I used to say Stew, and really it 
fitted him because I will admit he used 
to imbibe a little once in a while. But 
now that the poor dear boy's gone, it 
sounds better to say Stewart. You know 
I always thought you and Stewart re- 
sembled each other — I mean in your looks, 
not in your ways, for Stewart wasn't a 
very good business man to leave me such 
a small income. Goodness knows he ought 
to have had more money because he was 
forever kicking about my bills, and good 
gracious, the poor thing worked hard 
enough. He was never home more than 
one night a week, slaving at that old office 
until all hours, he said. I expect that's 
one thing that carried him off. What's 
that, you are sorry, but let's get to busi- 
ness? My! How important that sounds! 
Poor old Stew— {weeps) Stew-art« It's 
hard to be alone in the world. I suppose 
it will help me to forget. Think of my 
going into business selling stocks — What? 
I have so many friends I ought to make 
good if I follow your instructions? Yes, 
I think so, too. Oh, I've been repeating 

122 



Who Says Woman's Place Is at Home? 

over and over all the things you told me. 
I called up Mrs. Readycash and told her 
I'd call on her at 2 :00 this afternoon. You 
know she's an old friend of ours. I was 
awfully foxy about it. Didn't tell her 
why. She broke an engagement to see 
me. Wasn't it splendid of her? She has 
oodles and oodles of money, and I know 
she'll buy stocks or something just be- 
cause I ask her. You don't know how 
frightened I am when I think of talking 
to any one. What? You wouldn't think 
so? Oh! I mean talking business. It's hard 
to be left alone in the world! (Weeps.) 
No, I won't cry much. And if I didn't 
need so much money, I could live on the 
income poor dear Stew — I mean Stewart 
— left; but with shoes costing $12 a pair 
and everything, why I simply have to go 
into business and earn some money, and 
it was perfectly darling in you to teach 
me. Let's see; if I sell $15 worth I get 
one hundred dollars. Isn't that wonder- 
ful? Xo wonder you people get rich. Oh, 
isn't that it? It's the other way round? 
Um — that's a littfe slow, I think. Now 
let me see — I repeated everything over and 
over that you told me, so I would remem- 
ber and know just what you said for me 

123 



Jolly Monologues 



to say to people. I must say: "Now 
these are the very latest styles in stocks, 
I mean issues of stocks. They're liable 
to be ever so much more a peck next week. 
I mean a pound, or how is it? Stocks are 
weighed or watered? Aren't they? Don't 
they talk about watering stocks? I'll tell 
them we used only filtered water. Oh, I 
know how to talk — what did you say? 
I thought you made an exclamation. 
There's your 'phone bell. Certainly I'll 
excuse you for a minute. Phones are 
a nuisance, aren't they, even if they are 
a convenience? That's a regular para- 
phrase, isn't it? I mean a parachute — 
no, a paradox, that's it. Oh, excuse me, 
you can't hear over the 'phone when 
I'm talking, can you? You'll go into the 
inner office? All right. {After Mr. Bizzi- 
MAN exits.) I guess I'll call someone up 
to pass away the time and this is a free 
'phone. Hello, Central — what — gas bag 
in the next room? Central! Central! The 
wires are crossed. {Calls.) Oh, Mr. Biz- 
ziman, something is wrong with your 
'phone ! Oh, I see the two phones are con- 
nected ! Well, the gas man is trying to get 
you. You have an appointment at eleven? 
Well, I must go too. Do let me use your 

124 



Who Says Woman's Place Is at Home? 

'phone before I go. I try to take advan- 
tage of every free 'phone. Thank you so 
much. Hello — Bellevue 800 — Hello, is 
this Dorothy? I am down town, dearie, 
and I'm a business woman now, selling 
yards of stocks. It's the most fascinating 
thing. Makes one feel just like a man. 
Women are in every field now, aren't 
they? What? You've been trying to get 
me all morning? Want me to go to lunch 
and the theatre? Oh, I have a business 
engagement at two. Want me to see the 
Follies? Oh, my dear, I am dying to see 
the Follies. I don't know what to say. 
Mercy me! This business ties one up so. 
Well, I don't know what to do. Do you 
think, Mr. Bizziman, that a day or two 
would make any difference with my cus- 
tomers? What? Xo? Xor a month or 
two either? Oh, thanks, it's so nice of you 
to say that. I'll call Mrs. Readycash and 
tell her I'll come some other day. Busi- 
ness isn't so binding after all. Thank you 
so much. That's such a relief to know 
that. {Turns to ^ phone.) Yes, Dorothy, 
I'll go and meet you early. It's the Spring 
opening everywhere and they have the 
loveliest new gowns. AYhat? Oh, I must 
ring off. I'm in Mr. Bizziman's office and 

125 



Jolly Monologues 



he seems to be nervous. He went into the 
next office and I can hear him walking 
back and forth. Here he is at the door. 
Goodbye, dearie. I'll meet you at 12 — 
12:15? Well. Oh, 12:30? All right. 
The northwest door of Field's by the per- 
fumes. Yes— 12:30. Yes. The north- 
west door — right by the perfumes. Yes. 
All right. 12 :30. Goodbye. Oh ! Bring 
me proofs of your new pictures. I want 
to see them. 12:30. Yes. Be sure to be 
prompt — because you know I'm a business 
woman now — yes, dear, 12:30 — northwest 
corner. Goodbye. I must go, Mr. Bizzi- 
man — don't hurry? I'm sorry, but I really 
must go. I'll run in every day or so and 
let you know how I'm progressing, water- 
ing the stock. That's a joke, isn't it? 
About watering the stock? It sounds so 
silly. Do explain it to me. You can't 
now? Well, sometime, do. 

It is darling in j^ou to help out the wife 
of an old friend, Mr. Bizziman, just dar- 
ling. Goodbye. {Closes door.) My, he's 
a nervous man. I thought I heard him 
swear. 



126 



RED CHARLEY— O^^E CREDIT. 

^ ^ B- 

Characters: 
Red Charley^ the crook. 
McGarigle, the officer. 
Scene — Lincoln Park on a golden brown 

October day. 

Red Charley strolled about Lincoln 
Park and saw it all, yet with unseeing 
eyes. Long stretches of green grass, 
trees faintly tinged with golden brown or 
standing, shorn of many leaves, gaunt and 
feathery against the sky, the rippling ar- 
tificial lake, where ducks paddled aim- 
lessly or gazed with wondering eye at 
flocks of wilder things, flying in long lines 
high above them, toward a far-off* south- 
ern land ! The flowers had gone, their beds 
like newly made graves, were covered with 
black mold. Workmen raked the dead 
leaves, piling them in heaps. An old 
woman with a wintry, careworn face and 
head tied in a woolen shawl sat on the stair- 
way where bronze Lincoln stands, as 
though she waited for the words of wisdom 
he soon might cry again unto the world. 
Boys came trooping for a practice game, 

127 



Jolly Monologues 



their school books thrown upon the ground. 
Aline of blue the great lake stretched, tran- 
quil beneath an Indian summer sun. A 
blackened silhouette against the sky the 
General sat his horse most gallantly in 
these times of troublous peace. Nurses 
wheeled their charges gossiping of life 
above stairs, as they strolled about the 
walks. There were no merry crowds of 
children as in the torrid summer time, yet 
the broad park bared her bosom calling 
loudly in these brown October days. The 
scattered few who answered to the call 
were joyous. Three little girls had climbed 
upon the statue of the bard of Avon. One 
snuggled in his lap and the others clung 
about his knees, as though defying all the 
world to slander their beloved Shake- 
speare with Baconian sneers. The pic- 
ture was a charming one, that much Red 
Charley seemed to sense although who the 
gentleman had been in life he had not the 
least idea. 

''Much pettin' deyll get outer dat old 
iron Geezer," he said, lighting a cigarette 
and sitting down upon a bench. 

There was a bit of poetry in the soul 
of Charles the red-haired, for he liked it 
all without ever knowing why. The air 

128 



Red-Charley — One Credit 

was soft yet invigorating and "Red'' 
lolled as one who had no cares. A gentle- 
man of leisure he was in very truth. Work 
and he were strangers, save the work that 
followed in the wake of a jimmy and a 
burglar's kit. His face adorned the rogues' 
gallery and they had his finger-prints, for 
he had grown up under the tutelage of the 
slums and he had been an apt pupil. Just 
now he was enjoying a vacation. He had 
not been arrested for several months and 
the park lured him this bright autumnal 
day. 

Automobiles went skimming by and 
Red Charley wondered how many future 
victims might be enjoying an outing all 
unconscious of his proximity. 

"Begorra, ef you ain't here under me 
very nose, and I've been lookin' f er ye all 
over town!" 

And this was the end of a "perfect 
day." 

"Aw, what's eatin' ye, McGarigle. I 
ain't done nuttin'." 

"Come along wit me and don't get fresh 
or I'll hand ye a crack wit me billy. Come 
along quiet." 

Then Red Charley and the policeman 

129 



Jolly Monologues 



waited at the corner for the patrol, with 
the usual gallery of gaping onlookers. 

The next morning he stood before the 
Judge and then he remembered. A blus- 
tering individual accused him of drawing 
a gun upon him. Red Charley had quite 
forgotten the circumstances. 

''Yer honor," he said, "it was like dis" 
{when he had a chance to speak) "de dame 
wot lives in de basement where I was 
hangin' out den, her kid got scalted wit 
hot starch an' he wuz yowlin' like a stack 
of cats wit de pain, see? An' his mudder 
runs after dis guy wot calls hissef a doc- 
tor an' he wouldn't do nuttin' 'less she 
give him de kale — de mon' in adwance, 
see? An' de kid was screamin' an' de ole 
lady beggin' 'cause she didn't have no kale, 
her oF man havin' skipped out an' her 
not havin' had a check from Rockybilt 
lately, and I up an' pulls de gun on dis 
sawbones an' makes him come across wit 
de bandages an' fix up de kid's arm for 
nuttin'. See?" 

That was all Red Charley had a chance 
to say, for he was hustled off to jail and 
the pompous coward who had disgraced his 
profession by refusing to help a child in 

130 



Red-Charley — One Credit 

pain because his mother had no money, 
went away satisfied. 

So "Red" sat again behind the bars. 
He did not feel either bitter or resentful. 
He was getting used to it and then he was 
a crook and the majesty of the law must 
be upheld. But somewhere high above, the 
recording angel wrote in the great Book 
of Deeds: "Red Charley — one credit." 

^ ^ o 
FINIS 



131 




Dances^Drills ^nd Story-Plays 

By NINA B. LAMKIN 

Director of Normal Course in Physical Education at North' 

western School of Oratory and Physical 

Education, Evanston, III, 



FOURTEEN Folk Dances 
of various countries, 
suitable for schools, clubs, 
churches, settlements, etc. 
Twenty-six simple JEsthetic 
Dances, as Dances of the 
Seasons, Flower Dances, 
Brownies, Fairies, Bluebirds, 
etc. Twenty-four Drills for every day and 
holidays, unusual, artistic and worth while. 
Forty-one Rhythms and twelve Story-Plays to 
be used with primary ages in every-day recrea- 
tion, in dramatization and in entertainments. 
There is something in this book to fit any occa- 
sion where such material is desired. For Boy 
Scouts, Camp Fire Girls, Gymnasium Work, 
Play Festivals, Field Days, etc. Everything 
fully described. Suggestive music named and 
description of costumes given. Contains eight 
original photographs, half-toned, of various 
dances. 

Beantlfnl cloth binding, lettering and 
design in two colors, clear, attractive 
type. Price, $1.25 

T. S. Denison & Company, Pabiishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 




T' 



Merry Monologues 

By MARY MONCURE PARKER 

VHESE selections are wholly 
original and sufficiently var- 
ied in character and senti- 
ment to enable the reader to make 
up a well-rounded program in 
which high comedy mingles with 
farce and pathos in a manner suit- 
able for all occasions. Nineteen 
monologues and nine short poems 
which are especially adapted to 
that particular form of enter- 
tainment called the pianologue, 
viz., reading to music. 

Some of the selections are new but most of them 
are the pick from the author 's wide repertoire, which 
she has used throughout this coimtry and in England. 
They bear the stamp of enthusiastic publie approval 
and are now first offered to the publie. 

Contents: On the Street Car; The Renaissance 
of the Kiss; Husbands Is Husbands; Oh, Friend of 
Mine; George's First Sweetheart; Bobby and the 
New Baby; Lucile Gets Ready for a Dance; 
Mandy's Man and Safety First; Maggie McCarthy 
Goes on a Diet; Mrs. Climber Doesn't Like Notori- 
ety; Lucindy Jones Expects a Legacy; Grown Folks 
Is so Awful Queer; At the Movies; The Gingie Boy; 
Ode to a Manikin; Isaacstein's Busy Day; Like Pil- 
grims to the Appointed Place; Mrs. Bargain 
Counter Meets a Friend; Mother Mine; Maggie 
McCarthy Has H^r Fortune Told; In Vaudeville; 
Uncle Jim and the Liniment; The Funny Story; In 
the Milliner Shop; Mrs. Trubble's Troubles; 
George's Cousin Willie; When Lucindy Goes to 
Town; A Question. 

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering: and 
design in ti^o colors, clear, attractive 
type. Price, ^1.25 

T. S. Denison & Goiapanyy Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



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Treatment Date: Nov. 2007 

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